Hypnosis
by theway.youare13
Summary: With the help of Dr Hanover, Amanda tries hypnosis as a way to deal with her traumas after Kim and her Dad came to town.
1. Chapter 1

**_Hey there! I know, I haven't finished my other story and here I am again, but hey, I prefer to write what comes than not writing at all. I was thinking about a story, where every chapter would be a different part of Amanda's past she'd explore under hypnosis. Again, I'm not sure you'll like it. Also… I really want to talk about the episode with Kim and Rollin's dad! Did you like it? And how are you all?_**

It was almost midnight, and as usual now, Amanda couldn't sleep. Insomnia started when her father came to town. At first, she thought that once the intense period of stress would be over, she'd manage to go back to her normal rhythm which was, quite hectic per se. She could function if she didn't feel too much, so she'd run most of the time. But it's been over two weeks now and Amanda was reaching her limits. Reluctantly, she started back therapy, but it hasn't been very useful. Her therapist, Dr Hanover, suggested they'd really seize the opportunity to meet trauma at its roots. Amanda refused at first, saying she was used to her sister and she could deal with the recent events her own way. But until now, it hasn't worked.

Amanda took place on the sofa, with Frannie. It was useless trying to even go to bed, she thought. The only person she'd consider calling was Olivia. The last two days, she hesitated and finally decided against it, not wanting to sound ridiculous. Also, Olivia had shown an immense support with Kim and she didn't want to be more of a bother than she already had.

At work, everyone was starting to give her concerned looks and to be perfectly honest, she was worried as well. This had never happened to her and she needed a friend.

Hesitantly, she grabbed her phone.

"Liv.. sorry to bother you!"

"Hey Amanda, I was almost ready for bed. Is everything ok?

"Yeah, yeah, it is!" Amanda couldn't help herself, even though it was obvious that she wouldn't call her captain at midnight if she was fine.

"What's going on?" Olivia encouraged, already sensing the despair in her friend's tone.

"I can't sleep." Amanda declared, casually.

"I'm sorry to hear that. How can I help? Do you wanna talk for a little while?"

"I mean.. I haven't been able to sleep for a while!" The admission made her blush, and she was actually grateful that the captain couldn't see how shameful she was feeling at this moment.

Although Olivia already imagined what the answer might be, she asked for more details which the detective gave.

"Amanda.." The captain whispered in compassion, deciding against reprimanding her friend for not coming forward earlier.

This was the moment Amanda feared. "So.. here's the thing… my therapist wants me to try hypnosis. I have an appointment tomorrow. She thinks it would be good for me to actually talk about.. stuff"

"That's great Amanda. I think so too!"

"Mmh mmh" Amanda didn't know what to answer. Of course Liv would think any kind of expression would be beneficial.

"How do you feel about it honey?"

"I.. don't think I can Liv. I mean.. I'm willing to try because.." Amanda removed the phone from her hear in order to suppress a sob. "Because I'm exhausted.. but I don't trust Dr Hanover.. I don't trust her.. like I trust you." she admitted in a whisper. At first, it felt easier talking with a stranger, but now that things started to be serious, Amanda felt the need to back down and shield herself from anyone that wasn't Olivia Benson.

"Sweetheart, it does mean a lot that you trust me this much. I trust you too! I care about you and I want to help. So how do you think we can make this work? Would you like me to come with you tomorrow? Or would you like me to come right now?" Olivia offered, extremely honored that Amanda decided to ask for help when needed. She'd have to tell her how proud she was.

The conversation concluded quickly, Amanda giving the info about her appointment and assuring that she was going to be fine until tomorrow. She'd make herself a cup of tea and she'd try to go to bed. Of course, the blonde didn't do any of that.

* * *

Maybe it was the anxiety, but Dr Hanover's office seemed smaller than usual. Amanda felt trapped between the four walls and she could hardly focus when Dr Hanover explained how the session would unfold.

Amanda would be guided into some profound relaxation state and Dr Hanover didn't have any special plan in mind, and would let the detective lead the way. She'd just ask questions hoping Amanda would be able to express her emotions about any peculiar episode of her life that would come to the surface. Also, she'd be conscious the whole time and would have the option to come back to her regular state of mind at any time, although it was recommended to take it slow and let Dr Hanover guide her back.

Amanda exchanged a worried look with Liv. If the brunette wasn't here, Amanda would have already ran out, pretexting an emergency at work.

Olivia simply nodded in encouragement, as no words were needed. She promised to not leave the room, which provided some comfort even though Amanda felt a little embarrassed that she had to ask for Olivia's presence in order to proceed with the experiment. It had been a little unexpected for the Dr Hanover to see Olivia come with, but given Amanda's trust issues, she actually found the idea would be beneficial.

"You're safe!" Olivia reminded, gently squeezing Amanda's shoulders before taking a step back, letting the session begin.

Reluctantly, Amanda lay down on the couch, already feeling the sudden acceleration of her cardiac rhythm.

"I'm gonna count to ten, and I want you to imagine a staircase in front of you. For every count down, you get down a step." Instructed Dr Hanover, before she'd begin.

"Okay let's do this!" Amanda's encouraging tone was more for her own beneficial. Olivia, not wanting to disturb the process, took place on a chair in the corner of the room.

With a soft and secure voice, Dr Hanover began the process of hypnosis.

"10. You feel calm and ready, you know you're in a place where everything you share is welcomed and you feel confident about yourself.

9\. You can place your hand upon your stomach if you like, letting go any kind of unnecessary tension. You breathe from your tommy like all babies do, you appreciate the calmness of the moment.

8\. You allow your whole body to relax, starting from your feet, your knees, thighs, the spine, your neck, arms, your mouth and eyes, even your nose. Everything deserves a break sometimes."

Sometimes, she'd take a pause, allowing Amanda all the time she needed to deeply relax.

"7. You allow yourself to let your guard down, and appreciate the feeling of freedom that comes from within.

6\. You're deep deep down inside your sacred space, fully connected to who you are.

5\. You welcome the emptiness, and appreciate the experience of being delivered from any tension. You focus your attention on the empty spaces inside your body, and you feel them growing more and more.

4\. You can see, feel and taste how deeply you are loved. If you want, you can imagine a protection all around you, an invisible skin that nobody can see and that will keep you safe.

3\. You don't need to think from your mind anymore, you can just let yourself travel in any part of your body. Every cell has its importance and you appreciate them for what they can bring you."

Now, dr Hanover started whispering, to not disturb Amanda who seemed, very peaceful and relaxed. Olivia was absolutely fascinated by how easy it has been for Amanda to gradually let go of the pressure.

"Two more steps to go.

2\. Everything seems so far away…

1\. You're now in an hypnotical state."

Dr Hanover didn't talk at first, letting Amanda experimenting for herself the effect of hypnosis, hoping she'd notice how actually safe it was and that she'd still in control somehow. " How do you feel Amanda?" She finally asked, ready lead the detective in her quest.

"I'm good." Amanda's was in a light slumber, she spoke slowly and a little detached from the reality.

"Do you know where you are and who's here?" Dr Hanover asked in reassurance.

"Yeah, you and Livia" Amanda answered with a light smile.

"That's right!"

"My head is spinning" the detective informed, but she didn't seem in any pain or worry.

"That's not unusal. Come back to the sensation in your belly." Dr Hanover guided.

"I don't want to!" Amanda refused, claiming that her tummy hurt.

"Why?"

"Cuz I don't wanna go to school." Amanda's voice sounded way younger. Both Liv and Dr Hanover were satisfied to notice how effective the hypnosis was. Amanda would have never talked about her childhood so openly.

"Don't you love school?" Dr Hanover investigated.

"I do. But I don't wanna go today!" Amanda pouted.

"Why's that?" Dr Hanover was trying to lead the way without being too invasive.

"My dad gave me a black eye"

"Your dad hurt you?"

"Well, he didn't mean to, he was drunk!" It was heartbreaking for Olivia to take note that Amanda had always put her family first, as if she didn't matter. She already knew that of course, but it hurt to see Amanda experiment that pain again.

"I'm so sorry Amanda!" Dr Hanover acknowledged.

"My mum was too scared, so she ran!" Amanda's sadness was unbearable to Olivia that managed to stay quiet.

"Where was your sister?"

"Sleeping. She didn't hear none of that. But I heard the screaming and I came down!"

"Weren't you scared?" Dr Hanover still leaded the way, hoping Amanda could recall as many memory of the even as she could.

"I wanted to make sure everything was okay!"

"Who was making sure you were okay though?"

"Oh, I can take care of myself." At this time, Amanda sounded somehow garded again.

"You sure can. But it must hurt, I'm sure you'd want someone to care for you. Can you tell me how you feel when I say that, Amanda?

"I don't wanna do this!" Amanda finally admitted, feeling the tears running down her cheeks. This time, her voice was mature and firm. Her adult self was almost done with hypnosis, but Dr Hanover tried to push a little further.

"Can you just hand on a little longer Amanda?"

"I don't want to!" the amount of mixed emotions that Amanda was trying so hard to contain were threatening to come to the surface and she wasn't ready to meet them. To what end? To what beneficial? They were buried in her belly and she didn't want to feel them. The thing was, now that they were mentioned, she couldn't think about anything else than how much her pain was burning her from the inside.

"It's important though, so we can explain to the little Amanda that she matters. Don't you want her to know that?" Dr Hanover could feel the obvious tension and wanted to encourage Amanda, affirming it was ok to cry and that her sadness was welcome in the safe place of her office. "I imagine little Amanda has so much sadness she needs to express. Doesn't she?"

"I said I was done!" Amanda insisted.

Olivia gained dr Hanover's attention, somehow asking if she could intervene. The Doctor hesitated for a few seconds and finally nodded. If Amanda stopped now, she'd only see how hurtful hypnosis was and would not feel any benefice from it. She'd then be reluctant to try it again.

"It's Olivia!"

"Liv.. I'm not sure I can do this" Amanda declared, her eyes closed, tears running down her face.

"You're doing so good honey.. and you can open your eyes right now if you want.. but I believe you're still hanging on because you do want to help the little Amanda. Even if it's hard. Is that right? Olivia guessed.

"Nobody has ever seen her!" Amanda sadly declared.

"Well, I do see her!" Olivia assured. "And she sounds like a very lovable little girl!"

"Amanda" Dr Hanover tried again. "What would you tell her? To the little Amanda, with a black eye? Can you take a minute and talk to her? You don't have to do that loud! But I'd really want you to try. Can you do that?"

For a couple of minutes Amanda stayed quiet, almost indicating that the situation was under control again, and that maybe Amanda was indeed trying to address her past-self. And then, out of nowhere, Amanda opened her eyes in a furry and ran out of the room.

"Amanda!" Liv ran after her, to no use.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi there! **

**Thank you so much for your reviews, they mean a lot! **

**Hope you'll like the second chapter. **

"I want to be able to keep going with my life, but dwelling on the past won't help me move forward." Amanda insisted that she was fine and apologized for the way she interrupted her session with Dr Hanover but Olivia still insisted on coming after work for a cup of tea, which both women knew meant a glass of wine.

"That's your choice to make Amanda."

"I wanna hear what you think, though."

"What I believe does not matter, honey."

"I still want to hear it!" Amanda persisted.

At first glance, Amanda's insistence might feel out of character. But maybe, she didn't want to be the one admitting therapy would actually be beneficial to her, therefore Olivia was careful with her choice of words.

"I don't believe you're scared to acknowledge trauma. You've seen enough for a lifetime! But you can't bear the idea that deep inside you, there's a girl who's not fine with the way you've dealt with her. The pain she's carrying, she deserves someone to care about it."

"It's in the past Liv.. I'm not there anymore!" The way she protectively brought her knees close to her chest and let her stare wandering into space indicated Liv got to her.

"Maybe it was for the best back then, I don't know! But look at you now though, look how far you've come! You're in a place where you have the resources to take care of your past."

"Why would I do that?"

"So that your past doesn't become your future?!" Olivia both asked and affirmed at the same time. "How did you feel when your father came to town?"

"I knew he wasn't good news.. but Kim looked me with her sad eyes."

"And once again, you did what you thought was best for them honey. Once again, you totally ignored what felt right for yourself. You'd have taken responsibility for Kim's kid, and I get that. I've thought a lot about Simon lately and.."

That's not without a certain animosity that Amanda interrupted, but her voice softened as she spoke. "With all due respect Liv, Kim and I, that's not the same! We grew up together. Since the day I was born, I was the one responsible for her. The other day, she said one thing to me.. in order to start healing, you gotta love something about where you come from." She marked a pause, obviously feeling vulnerable. "I do.. I love her.. that's the thing… doesn't matter what she does… I'll still love her!"

"You loved her so much that you forgot to love yourself. Maybe, you can now open your heart to an equally sweet little girl. Whatever you've been through makes you who you are!"

"I'm more scared that once I open that door, that girl I've left behind might turn out a little needy."

"Well, nothing you and I can't handle, I suppose!" Olivia chuckled.

"Ok Liv, I'll try again."

* * *

Dr Hanover and Amanda shortly debriefed about the first session of hypnosis, Amanda explained how overwhelmed she suddenly felt and that she didn't know what to do with the wave of emotion that got to her, and that was why she had run. Dr Hanover suggested that next time it happened, she could use a word to indicate her angst, but that it would be beneficial to allow any kind of feeling she may have and just let herself be guided by the doctor. The word Amanda chose to express she felt anxious was yellow: her favorite color. When they were ready to start the process once again, Olivia entered the room. Dr Hanover thought that at some point, Amanda would prefer some privacy during her session but that for the time being, Olivia might actually provide a sense of security.

Like the first time, Amanda was induced into hypnosis. She initially thought that her mind wouldn't allow her to reach this peculiar state, but it actually happened quickly than she anticipated. It felt like falling asleep, when one is still aware of the noises in the surrounding, and yet unwilling to move.

"Ok, Amanda, can you tell me a little bit about what you're feeling in your body right now?"

"All my body wants is to fall asleep." It seemed that Amanda's mind had not been interested about her childhood this time. Insomnia initially started like an occasional thing, but it quickly escalated into a serious issue.

"You must be really tired." Dr Hanover acknowledged. "What prevents you to sleep?"

"This hmm" Her voice got stuck in her throat… "this… yellow." The turmoil was written all over her face.

"You're feeling anxious?"

"Hmm hmm"

"Can you describe it to us?"

Amanda shook her head in disagreement. "Me and yellow.. we can't cohabit. If it's here, it means I have to go."

"Why's that?"

"My head needs to be ready in case there's an emergency."

"You mean, you can't feel anxious, because if something happens, you need to be able to react?"

"Yes."

"I understand that, but right now, you're safe Amanda, no imminent danger. It's perfectly acceptable for you to experiment angst, even though it's not a pleasant sensation." Dr Hanover explained.

Amanda, on the other hand, very unfamiliar with the sensation, was breathing faster and faster, obviously struggling to get enough air.

"Take a few deep breaths." Dr Hanover encouraged, not showing sing of worry.

"Let's imagine that anxiety is a big cloud. Right now, you're right under it, and you can't see the sky… but I'm a few steps away and I'd love to guide you where you can have some clarity. It does mean you have to take a few steps under the cloud to meet me. Do you think you can do that?" Dr Hanover explained with a reassuring voice, hoping to somehow ensure Amanda that she was safe from harm.

The detective seemed to have registered the words that were spoken to her but they were to no use, since she was still struggling to reach a calmer state.

"Amanda, inhale by the nose and exhale with your mouth." For a second, Dr Hanover doubted herself, thinking about telling Amanda to slowly come back in the present time but Olivia jumped it.

"Would it be ok if I held her hand?"

When Dr Hanover nodded, the brunette asked the same question, this time to Amanda, as she came closer to the distressed woman, who gratefully accepted the support. There was no seat close to the sofa, but Olivia was quick to kneel down right next to Amanda, more concerned about her friend than her comfort.

"Can you tell us anything about it feels in your body?" Dr Hanover asked.

"Hmm, my throat feels narrow."

"Are you feeling sad?"

Amanda nodded.

"You can cry Amanda, nobody is gonna judge you."

"I don't want to."

"How come?"

"Once I start, I don't know if I'll be able to stop."

"It's just a cloud Amanda, you will stop crying eventually."

"That I know. But there's a part of me that doesn't. Sadness seems eternal to her"

"Show her! Show her that the person you've become today can handle your feelings."

Without noticing, Amanda did allow her tears to run down her cheeks.

"I'm gonna help you move past the cloud, I believe that you're ready. Just listen to my voice Amanda, that's all you have to do. " Dr Hanover explained.

"Ok." Amanda nodded.

"You are under a storm. Your body knows the sensation of feeling threatened, your throat feels narrow, you're out of breath, and you just know something inside doesn't feel right. It might physically hurt or maybe just feel heavy. But for the first time, you stay right where it hurts. You don't need to cope, you just let yourself feel the pain even if you don't see the end of it." Dr Hanover didn't rush, letting Amanda absorbing all the words and let her body react the way it had to.

The upset woman started sobbing and grabbing Olivia's hand with more force. A reflection of Amanda's sufferance was probably seen through Olivia's eyes, filled with immense compassion.

"At first, it feels like there's no issue, but the more you quiet your mind, the most you notice that little part of you. She's shy, at first, but she's definitely there. She looks light a tiny light. Can you see her, Amanda?

"No." The woman was categoric.

"Well, if you can't see her, maybe you can feel its warmth. The tiny light may be faint, but it brings you comfort from the inside. And if you're very meticulous, you notice one thing about her."

"What?" Amanda asked, curious. Without noticing, Amanda was slowly moving past the cloud. Her eyes still closed, she let her muscles relax again, except for her hand grabbing Olivia's. She'd still squeeze it from time to time, just to make sure she was still there.

"The tiny light isn't scared. It isn't joyful either. It's perfectly indifferent, and yet, it is here, welcoming whatever you might feel."

"I can see that!" Amanda exclaimed.

"You're still under the storm, but it doesn't matter to you, because you're entirely focused on the tiny light. It will always remind you, that wherever you are, whatever you feel, there's a space inside you that has the ability to welcome it. You have now moved past the cloud without trying to run away from the storm."

Amanda's face seemed peaceful and the doctor let her be for a minute.

"When you are ready, you can open your eyes and come back to us." The doctor whispered, not wanting to trouble Amanda's pleasant inner experience.

* * *

That night, Amanda finally got some sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Hey everybody! How are you? I want to apologize for the wait. Even though I've had the time, I just found it really hard to focus on anything. This unique world situation has messed up with my brain a little, and I did feel anxious to write. Please, feel free to reach out, if you want to connect. I kind of miss social interactions. Also, I hope you'll let me know what you think about this chapter. I know it isn't the best, but at least, I produced something. Hopefully, I'll soon update my other stories as well. Bless you!**_

Amanda was finally able to get some sleep, so she was tempted to stop with the hypnosis sessions. After all, had she been able to cope with the recent events, she wouldn't have started back therapy, let along really deciding to trust Dr Hanover. Quitting now though, somehow made her feel guilty.

If at first, she was proud that she didn't need Olivia's presence, the stressful wait before the appointment made her quickly change her mind. Maybe, she should have asked her friend to just come and sit with her in the waiting-room, even though it would be even more embarrassing to admit she felt anxious to just rest on a chair. The oversized hoodie she chose to wear would have to suffice and shield her from the world. The way she hid her whole hands under the sleeves probably give away the angst she was actually trying to burry inside. Why was she so determined to pretend she felt better than she was? She couldn't just look pathetic even before the session started. Or was the wait part of therapy? Before her thoughts could eat her alive though, Dr Hanover finally welcomed her into her office.

Amanda wasn't sure she hypnosis would have any effect on her, her brain seeming so busy cogitating, but soon enough, to her astonishment, she was lying down in a peaceful state, the same it has been the last two sessions.

"Alright Amanda, how are you feeling now?" Dr Hanover inquired.

"Better!" It was still a wonder how it felt easier to open up when she wasn't oppressed by the constant judgments of her mind.

"You told me you were fine just a while ago?!"

"I was lying."

"Why is it hard for you to express how you feel?"

"For so long, I didn't even know how I felt. It didn't matter." Amanda admitted casually. Again, she would not have been able to just say that, but she felt free to share, without the barrier of her mind censuring her sensations.

"I'm sorry to hear that. But it does matter. It's important that you learn to listen to yourself, and express what you need! So, I want you to scan your own body, and let me know how everything feels right now, can you do that?"

"My.. arms hurt, I've been working out"

"Good, what else?"

"My chest feels a little tense." She grumbled with a certain amount of discomfort.

"How so?"

"Like.. I can't fully breathe."

"Does it hurt?"

"Not really, it just feels heavy, like when you're sad."

"Do you feel sad?"

"Not me. But my heart feels sad most of the time."

"Should we help your heart to release some of the pain you're feeling?" The inability to take in air was definitely related to the incapacity to love oneself and Dr Hanover made sure to take note that self-esteem was still something Amanda needed to work on.

Amanda took some time to think about it before agreeing. It was like she knew the hard work needed to be done, and she wasn't sure she could stomach it.

"Perfect, so the first thing I'd like you to do is put your attention on your belly. You can place your hands upon it. "

"No." Amanda's voice became very deep and dry. Even in an hypnotic state, there were certain barriers her brain was not ready to cross.

"Why? Why can't you go there?" Dr Hanover treated carefully.

"I can't." Amanda's pain was written all over her face.

"All right. We're not going there. But is it ok if we talk about it a little? You can't breathe freely your stomach is tensed. "

"No."

"Ok Amanda. That's totally fine, we'll get there some other time maybe. So, do you want to keep telling me how your body feels?"

Amanda had nothing more to say. The unpleasant sensation she was trying to avoid was encapsulating her and she just wasn't in the mood for it.

"What is it? Are you feeling sad again?"

"Yes."

"I believe emotions are messengers. The more you ignore them, the most they crave attention. Maybe we should just listen. What does sadness has to say?"

It took some time before Amanda chose to share. "I never listen. I never listen to myself. My heart is sad that I don't listen!" Amanda declared, with an apologetic tone.

"You're listening now. Tell your heart!" Dr Hanover encouraged, still hopeful to bring some comfort to Amanda.

"I'm listening now." The quiet room let Amanda some room for an internal monologue, but less than a minute later, she asked to stop the session. "My heart doesn't want to talk anymore."

The detective didn't even wait for Dr Hanover instructions before opening her eyes and sitting down. "Sorry I just.. I don't know." The session felt like a failure.

"I don't have any expectations about how the hypnosis should go. That's ok Amanda."

"I blew it! Like I blew everything!"

"Well, the way I see it, you just listened to yourself. You weren't feeling it, and you admitted it. That sounds like a win to me! What do you need right now?"

Amanda shrugged. She did not know what she wanted. She'd probably end up going home and not think about the day, or at least, that was what she'd usually do. But after thinking about it, something else crossed her mind. "That's stupid. I just want to check in with Olivia. See how she's doing"

"Maybe, what you really want is check in with Olivia and tell her how you are doing. You are allowed to that, you know?"

Amanda laughed at it with a pinch of irony.

* * *

Back in her car though, her heart pounding in her chest, Amanda reached for her phone.

She hesitated for a few seconds, and before she could change her mind, she called Olivia.

"Hi Liv!"

"Hey Manda, how you're doing?" Olivia's voice had the instant power to reduce her stress level. Even if they the conversation should stop there, it'd be enough to make her feel better.

"Good!" she said out of habits. "Actually… not great!", she corrected.

"Oh hon', I'm sorry to hear that. How about you come over?"

Instinctively, she wanted to refuse, but again she nodded before realizing Olivia couldn't see her. "Hmm yeah, I… I'd like that."

Amanda parked the car, but couldn't resolve to just meet Liv and not find the words to open up. It was so easy to feel disconnected from herself, and just interact how she was supposed to. To just fit it the society and fill in the role she was convinced she should play. Amanda didn't want to play anymore, she was emotionally exhausted from the fake persona she'd incarnated for so many years. So, she decided to text Olivia. If she said something real about herself beforehand, than it might be easier to open up.

"I'm tired. Everything is just so hard sometimes. You know? Literally everything. Even telling you how I'm doing is hard. And not telling it is hard too."

"And yet, you're doing it! Amanda, do you even see how strong you are for admitting that? Just come here honey, I'm waiting for you." Olivia texted back right away.

* * *

"I can't keep going." Were the first words Amanda shared, once the two women were on the living room.

Olivia's level of worry instantly increased and her protective instinct kicked in as she moved closer to her friend on the sofa. "What do you mean?"

Amanda let out a painful breath, staring into the emptiness. "What happens, when everything I've ever bottled up comes to the surface? I just can't keep going. And I can't keep lying either. So.. I can't keep going." Her voice, almost angry at first, became almost a whisper at the end of her sentence.

"Amanda, are you telling me you want to die?!" Olivia asked straightly, needing to know exactly what they were dealing with.

"I'm just saying a need a break. I want the world to stop spinning for a while. God, it hurts so much! I need a break from myself Olivia."

"Here, let's give you a break right now!" Olivia instructed, inviting her friend to lie down on her lap.

A little shy, Amanda nodded and let her body pressed against Liv's.

"What hurts honey?" Olivia, gently stroking Amanda's hair, hoped she was providing a sense of security to the distressed woman.

"My stomach. I've never realized how much it hurt until today with Dr Hanover. I couldn't do what she asked. I can't see what's going on in there. I'm scared Liv. I'm scared I can't handle it. And I don't want to do that with her, I don't want Dr Hanover to be the one I talk with. I mean, I can. It has helped and I'm gonna keep on going, but I want more. I want…"

"Say it!" Olivia implored. Amanda may not realize it yet, but she was allowing herself to be cared for. This step towards self-love was so important, and Olivia would not take that away from her, she had to say it.

"I want you Liv."


	4. Chapter 4

_**Hi! Here's another chapter for you! I know I just posted yesterday, but I still hope you'll enjoy it. Let me know what you think!**_

"I want you Liv."

"I'm right here, whatever you need."

Amanda stayed quiet for a while, but it wasn't an enjoyable type of quiet. Despite Olivia's level of care, she couldn't ignore the immense pain waking up from within. From time to time, her eyes would roll out for a second and she'd blink quickly in order to readjust her vision.

"Honey, if you're hurting so much that you feel you could pass out, that is not ok!" It did seem like an absurd reminder, but considering how Amanda had an history of not taking good care of herself, it did feel accurate to remind her she needed to let her know if there was something physically wrong.

"Just give me a minute!" Amanda pleaded, not sure of how she escalated that quickly from not feeling great to the unbearable sensations she was experiencing. She couldn't name it though. It felt like the whole cells of her body were burning and reminding her that she was not worth the life she was aiming. It felt like she didn't belong. Was shame running through her veins now? If so, she didn't want to be there.

Olivia obeyed, trying to keep calm for the woman she was holding in her arms, but she definitely didn't like the way Amanda's eyes kept fading. "Hey!" Olivia finally exclaimed, almost feeling on herself the uneasiness of Amanda's body. She helped the young woman into a more vertical position. "Amanda, what's going on?"

"It hurts." Amanda kept shaking her head, fighting an invisible enemy. As far as Olivia knew, she didn't seem to be having a panic attack, and the pain looked so very real and raw that she couldn't just sit and wait. Quickly and a little less carefully then she meant, she got up from the sofa. "That's it, I'm calling an ambulance!"

"No.. no.. it's not like that!" Amanda pleaded, curling into a ball. She was breathing in shallow, desperately trying to keep the shame inside. It felt like all of her repressed emotions decided to wake up at the same time, reclaiming attention. She now regretted the hypnosis session from earlier, where she told her heart she was listening. She didn't want to listen anymore. She didn't want to feel. There was too much for one person to handle.

"Than how is it?" Olivia implored. How could she help if she didn't even know what was happening?

"God Liv stop talking!"

If no words could help, then Olivia would have to improvise. The helplessness she was feeling made her feel insecure but for now, she'd have to put that aside and make Amanda her priority. Again, she sat on the corner of the sofa, hoping she'd be able to provide some physical comfort. She needed to do something, anything, to help. Without saying a world, she gently started with just placing her hand upon Amanda's arm. It had the effect of bringing Amanda back into the present time, and finally, Olivia felt like she was connecting with the woman.

They stayed like this for a few minutes, in silence. This time, the quiet had a soothing effect. And Olivia realized all she needed to do was acknowledging the pain and not try to fix it. Just seeing it, breathing it, accepting it. Suddenly, it became obvious to her, than what Amanda needed was someone able to see her for who she was.

"I think I'll take a cab and go home." Amanda finally broke the silence, predictably looking for an easy way out.

"I'm in. I'm all the way in. I can take it honey. Don't push me away!" Olivia said, with no further explanation.

"But I'm not sure I can."

"How's the pain?"

Amanda got into a sitting position and took a sip of water. "Better. But this can't happen. I don't think I want to keep going with therapy. I don't think I'll be a better person once all of these emotions are out in the open Liv. I just don't get it."

"I think you do, though."

Astonishment was written all over the blonde's face.

"Not that you'll be a better person. But I think you want those emotions to get out, and I think you're ready, too."

"And how do you know what I want Olivia, let's hear it?!"

Olivia, perfectly aware that her choice of words would get a vigorous reaction, remained adamant. "You and I have had our differences. It took me a while, but I see you now Amanda. And I can't unsee you. One thing I know for sure, is that you're not a quitter. You try to have it your way, you grumble, you get angry and frustrated, but you persist!"

"What happens if I try and I don't succeed?" Amanda's blue eyes dived into Liv's, as if the answer to that question was so essential that it would determine the rest of her life.

"Honey, how can you not succeed at being yourself? You have already won, there's nothing to loose here"

"Except my sanity!" Amanda rolled her eyes.

"Well, have you ever felt sane anyway?!" Olivia asked with a pinch of irony. "So, how about you just talk to me as a friend who can take it? What's happening with you?"

"I don't even know where to start. I guess I've been ignoring stuff for so long, that I even forget they were there. And now… it burns.. I feel like my soul is burning. Does that even make sense?" Amanda had no better way to express what she was feeling.

"If you bury emotions alive, sooner or later they will start a fire! But it's a good thing that you're willing to address that honey. And I'm so proud of you. Now tell me… is there a specific memory that you'd want to share with me?"

"It really hit me hard to see Kim and my dad. And I've been thinking a lot about my mum. About my whole family… the way we used to live. It wasn't ok Liv!" Amanda admitted, the voice cracking. "But I couldn't really feel it."

"I'm so sorry that you've had to bury your feelings from such a young age."

"I can't count how many times I thought I was going to die. There was this one night, daddy was drunk, Kim was at a friend's and.. I just couldn't take the noise anymore. The shouting, the tears…. I ran away! I didn't even take my jacket… I ran as fast as I could. Every day I'd hope things would change, but that night, I just couldn't hope anymore."

"How old were you?" Olivia asked without even trying to hide how much it hurt to know that her friend had been through so much.

"About 10. I ended up near a farm. In front of it, there was an old red barn. I waited until it was fully dark. I was so cold. And then I just forced the door and hid there. I remember leaning on the dirty wood and listening to the singing birds. Do you even know how many different sound bird can make? I swear, they were in tune like a freaking choir!" Amanda almost seemed to remember the melody the birds were whistling.

"God Amanda! I didn't know things were so bad."

"The whole night, I'd imagined a perfect escape plan. How Kim and I could gradually transfer our stuff into to barn, and one day after school, when we'd have enough clothes and money, we would run away and never come back. Then I figured Kim would get us busted anyway, so when the morning came, I went home."

"What did you parents say? Were they even worried?" Olivia asked, hoping that they at least showed some kind of empathy afterwards.

Amanda's silence already gave up the answer though. Protectively, she wrapped her arms around her waist and turned her head away from Olivia's gaze. She shrugged while tears filled her tormented blue eyes. "They didn't even notice I was gone." That's how little she mattered.

"Oh sweetheart, come here!" Olivia opened up her arms to welcome her into a hug and since Amanda make no effort, she moved a little closer. "It's ok!"

The woman all but collapsed into Liv's arms. "It hurts so much Liv!"

"Let it go baby, let it all go."


	5. Chapter 5

_**EDIT: I'M SO SORRY, I CORRECTED SOMETHING AND I POSTED THE WRONG CHAPTER. THANK YOU TO THE GUEST THAT POINTED THAT OUT. I'M SUCH A MESS!**_

_**Next chapter will probably be more focused on Liv and Amanda and will be very dark. If there's interest, I'll try and post it soon. **_

_**Take care!**_

* * *

Taking a new appointment with Dr. Hanover has been difficult, but accepting that right at the moment, Amanda wasn't able to go through it alone felt like a failure. Even though Olivia had been nothing but kind, rearranging her own schedule in order to be there for her friend, the blonde detective could not find peace with the whole situation. The guilt of accepting the support she needed felt almost worse than the pain she was so scared to meet.

It was Olivia's suggestion to go in a little earlier, so that Amanda could get familiar with the stress she obviously experienced in the waiting room. So far, her sweaty hands and racing heart didn't agree with the plan.

Taking note of the small pearl of sweat forming upon Amanda's forehead, Olivia moved a little closer on the sofa. "What are you thinking right now?" She asked with an appeasing voice.

Amanda hesitated, but she would have given anything to experience the level of calmness Olivia seemed to be in. "My stomach hurts," she eventually mumbled.

"Just like it did the other day? What are you so scared of, honey?"

Before Amanda could answer, Dr Hanover opened her office door with a welcoming smile. Not only the doctor could tell right away that she was interrupting something, she also took notice of how nervous the detective appeared. "Amanda, do you need a minute?"

"I'm good to go." Despise the unconvinced expression, she got up from the sofa and entered the office by herself nevertheless asking if Olivia could come in if needed, explaining she'd been having a hard time since the last appointment.

Her arms crossed against her waist, Amanda let her wary eyes wander around the unfriendly room out of habit before taking place on the sofa. Even though the four wall of the doctor's office were now familiar, she still felt out of place.

"What's been bothering you?" Dr Hanover asked, sitting in front of the detective.

Gesturing towards the stomach area, Amanda let out a frustrated sigh. "Everything disgusting about me is right there. The only thought of _it_ being there repulses me." It wasn't like her to just spill out her worries. Truth was, she was reaching the limit of what she considered humanly possible to bear and the words slipped before she'd really had an opportunity to censure them. As soon as they were out though, a wave of panic seized her.

Fortunately, Dr Hanover didn't comment on the abrupt admission. "That's why you don't want to put your hands upon your belly?" She inquired with professionalism.

Amanda shrugged, uncomfortable and perfectly aware of how ridiculous she sounded.

Once again, Dr Hanover didn't display any kind of judgment. "Show me where it hurts," she kindly asked.

"Here." Amanda pointed at the pit of her stomach, right below her chest. "It's like everything is bottled up inside. But since I started hypnosis, the cap threatens to explode."

"A complex network of nerves are situated in the celiac plexus, they're linked to the nervous system, that regulates the body response to stress," Dr Hanover explained.

"I've always been stressed and it never hurt before."

"The cells in your body have memory. For many years, you were not aware of the physical suffering that anxiety was causing. The only thing that's changed is your willingness to move forward. You're in pain right now because you're _able_ to acknowledge the amount of stress you fought so hard to bottle up," Dr Hanover calmly yet clearly clarified.

Amanda took a minute to register the information. The frustration emanating from her eyes could transmit more than her words ever would. "Well, I'd rather go back to a place where I couldn't feel it."

"My guess is, now that you're aware of it, it'll only get worse unless you do something about it. I can prescribe you some.."

"No," Amanda cut harshly. "No pills, no medication." The last thing she needed was to deal with another problem of addiction.

Dr Hanover nodded. "Let's just stick to hypnosis for now. It's not unusual for people to feel worse before feeling better. It's actually a sign that your body is responding well."

"I don't want to.. go there. You can't make me," the detective opposed adamantly. To what she was referring seemed unclear. Her terrified expression on the other hand couldn't be more explicit.

Amanda was not questioning therapy for the sake of it and Dr Hanover could sense it. Her priority right at the moment was to make sure her patient felt confident that they were on the same team. Still aware that Amanda didn't fully trust her, (and probably never would), she nevertheless found important to explain once again how hypnosis worked.

"The relaxation helps your mind to melt some barricades, so that you can explore deeper into what your body remembers and help the healing process. But it would never allow you to do something you're not ready for. You might feel like you give up your will, but try to remember, you've always had the choice, and you've always told me to stop when it was too much. You are still in control Amanda," Dr Hanover reassured to the best of her abilities.

The blonde detective took a long shaky breath. She already knew that, and obviously had read a dozen of books about hypnosis, just to make sure she was not being manipulated. At this point, she probably knew just as much as Dr Hanover. But it was still very new for her to be _the one in need_.

"Ok, all right," she eventually consented without enthusiasm.

"How about, we just try and ease the pain?"

"Yeah, that sounds good, " she accepted more easily.

"Would it be ok if I placed my hand on your solar plexus?"

The blonde detective shook her head, staring at the ground. The only idea of her hand laying on such an intimate part of her body made her sick. The rambling in her head was quick to follow. Obviously, it seemed like a routine procedure for Dr Hanover, and once again Amanda was being difficult. Why couldn't she just role with what was expected of her? That woman was just trying to help. Her mortified expression was soon interrupted with words of reassurance though.

"That's ok Amanda, I understand."

"Mmh, maybe Liv, I mean Olivia…" Ashamed of feeling so vulnerable, she couldn't bring herself to say the words out loud.

"You'd agree if it were Olivia?" Dr Hanover asked, with the same kind and neutral tone as before.

Amanda knew for a fact that shrinks weren't supposed to express judgment. Still, she wasn't used to someone being so patient with her and it did mean a lot. "I guess. I mean, yes."

Olivia was invited to join the session, and Dr Hanover briefly explain how she would be needed. As usual, she then guided Amanda into a deep relaxation state. Olivia took a seat from the corner of the room and moved right next to her friend.

About ten minutes later, Amanda's feature had relaxed.

"How does your abdomen feel?" Dr Hanover inquired.

Despite the relaxation, Amanda's body was unable to let go. "Tense. It hurts"

"Can you take a few deep breath, and allow the muscles of your abdomen to fully relax?"

"I can't breathe deeply," Amanda whispered like an admission.

"How so?"

"I try to breathe silently because I need to hear," she revealed with an alarmed tone.

"Hear what?"

"The noises around me. I need to know what's going on, so I can't breathe deeply."

Olivia took a long deep breath herself, almost as if she was feeling some of the pain the blonde was experiencing. Measuring how tragic it must have been to live in a constant alarmed status, the urge to shield the woman from any more suffering confirmed itself.

"You've done that a lot?" Dr Hanover asked with sympathy.

"Yeah. To keep me safe."

"You are safe right now. Do you feel safe?"

"I've been played so many times, and _I_ was careful."

"You're scared to let go?"

"I want to always remember the pain, the terror. So I never make the same mistakes again."

Dr Hanover nodded in understanding. "Would you say the pain acts like a reminder that things could go wrong?"

"Mmh-mmh," Amanda mumbled, pleasantly surprised that she had the answer to her own troubles all along.

"Are you willing to let some of the pain go Amanda?"

Of course she was. Why wouldn't she? And yet, not only her stomach hurt, her chest started to burn as well. "I'm not going back there," she stubbornly affirmed. Giving up the pain might mean facing up the _real_ demons.

Before fear could really seize her, Dr Hanover clarified once again that she did not intend to push her further that what Amanda established. "We already discussed that, remember? I'll not lead you somewhere you don't want to go. Olivia is here to make sure you are safe."

"Ok," Amanda finally agreed.

"So, Olivia will place her hand upon your plexus when you're ready."

"I'm ready."

Careful not to startle the blonde detective, Olivia was purposefully noisy when she moved her chair a little closer. That way, Amanda could _hear_ her presence. She then delicately let her hand land on Amanda's upper abdomen.

Despise the gentle approach, the detective immediately winced.

The captain felt the muscles of Amanda's abdomen violently contracting themselves. "Is it ok?" Olivia asked with concern.

"Yes," Amanda nodded even though hot tears started running down her cheeks.

"I don't think it is," Olivia objected taking out her hand right away and glaring at Dr Hanover.

"Amanda, what's happening?" Dr Hanover softly asked.

"It's overwhelming. But I want to keep going," Amanda confirmed with a shaky voice.

"Sometimes, emotions just need to resurface, it's perfectly fine Amanda." Dr Hanover explained with confidence. "So Olivia will resume her previous position, and you'll take all the time you need to get used to the sensation. When it's ok for you, you'll just let me know."

Olivia felt hesitant, knowing all too much how challenging it has been to gain Amanda's trust. She couldn't be the one to hurt her friend even more. Dr Hanover gave her an encouraging nod and eventually Olivia placed back her hand on Amanda's solar plexus.

Liv has proved more than once that she was able to read minds. The sensation of her hand made Amanda feel exposed though, almost as if Olivia would reach her soul and feel the buried demons underneath her skin. She cried with shame and the radiant pain intensified. The same tortured expression could be seen inside the brunette's eyes who lived every second of the agony her friend was enduring.

After a few minutes, Amanda calmed down. Apparently, welcoming whatever darkness that needed to be seen was all she needed to do. Her heart felt rested now, almost as if she didn't have a breakdown. Maybe, letting things happen when they needed to happen was more efficient than running away from them. Who was she kidding, she was the running type, she thought. Her mind got lost for a second, but soon enough, she let Dr Hanover know she was ready for the next step.

"That's really good Amanda. Now, I want you to focus your attention on the warmth emanating from Olivia's hand. Can you feel the soothing heat?" Dr Hanover quietly demanded.

"Yeah," Amanda acquiesced. Her lips gave a hint of a smile for just a second, and Olivia felt really grateful.

Dr Hanover proceeded to slowly guide Amanda, her voice almost a whisper. "Imagine that heat you feel is a golden light. You allow the golden light to penetrate into your skin with the intent to let it heal your pain." Between each sentences, Dr Hanover took a long break, inviting Amanda to immerse into the pleasant sensation.

"The pain you've been experiencing has been such a good helper, a reminder that you need to stay safe. Now though, the golden light is right here with you. Every time a cell in your body is illuminated, the pain that has been encapsulated is set free."

A little apprehensive at first, Olivia was amazed at how effective the technique was on muscle relaxation. Her hand still on Amanda's abdomen, she could clearly sense the difference in how more deeply and freely her friend was breathing.

"Slowly, the light travels all over your plexus. The confidence you're feeling right now is the expression of your own power. Just appreciate the comfort for as long as you like, and whenever you're ready, you can slowly open your eyes, knowing that the healing light is within you."

When Amanda opened her eyes again, she was peaceful. Her blue eyes filled with serenity, she calmly sat back up.

"You did so good Amanda," Dr Hanover congratulated. "How's the pain?"

"Way better," Amanda thanked the Doctor.

Dr Hanover however warned that some things might come up to the conscience during the following days, and that Amanda should not hesitate to call her or someone she trusted.

Whatever places she was not willing to go would sooner or later come her way, Amanda thought. For the time being though, she would enjoy the small victory.

* * *

"Hey Liv, can I buy you dinner?" The blonde detective asked as soon as they were out of the building.

"I'll absolutely have dinner with you, but you don't have to invite me. I'm here as a friend, I don't need you to pay me back," Olivia contested.

"I've never had that Olivia. I've never felt confident enough to invite a friend to do something with me," Amanda affirmed with deliverance. From now on, she would not pretend to be someone she wasn't and if Olivia mocked her, then, at least she'd know where to stand. "I'm not used to _not_ being alone."

It never occurred to the captain that she was always the one to suggest they'd spend time together.

In silent coordination, both women interlaced their arms. "Get used to it Rollins, because I'm not going anywhere," Olivia confirmed with a heartwarming smile.


	6. Chapter 6

_**Hey there! How are you all doing? I know I said this would be a chapter more focused on Olivia and Amanda, but I was inspired differently. Next one will be centered on them though. So you know, I feel really insecure about this story. Let me know what you think! **_

**_Bless you XX_ **

There was never a second where Amanda could let her guard down. Even when she was asleep, part of her brain was focused on spotting eventual dangers. In meetings, they had shared about the need to feel in control but up until recently, she didn't realise where the necessity came from and she's never been aware of how much it impacted her daily life.

The last few days though, the state of high alertness has escalated and it seemed more like her brain was conspiring against her, imagining things that weren't real. That Sunday morning, she woke up in a jolt because of a slamming door somewhere in the building. The sound brought her back to one peculiar night, many years ago, when her father came home drunk. He'd gambled and lost: the whole family suffered the consequences of his rage. With firm resolution, she chased away the memory and focused on preparing breakfast instead. Once again, she was startled by a random noise from down the street. _For fucking sake, you're a cop_, she told herself. Despise her strong will, her phone suddenly ringing a few minutes after almost gave her a heart attack.

"Hey 'Manda!"

"Oh hi Liv!" Amanda sighed, only now remembering they were supposed to meet and enjoy some fresh air in Central Park.

"Everything ok?" The brunette asked casually.

"Liv, I'm just not in a mood for company," Amanda announced honestly, "would you find it really rude if I .." She didn't work up the courage to end up her sentence, hoping Olivia could understand her anyway.

"Should I be worried?" Olivia softly questioned.

"No, no… I'm fine. It's… I don't even know." Amanda was an active person. Free time wasn't her friend like Cragen had pointed out many years ago, and she hated hanging out doing nothing. Despite the fact she was a private person, the sudden need to isolate didn't make much sense. Usually, she'd seize any opportunity that would allow her to escape her thoughts.

"I have some of those days myself. Just let me know if you need anything," Olivia assured.

" 'Livia… I'm sorry," Amanda apologized. The fact Olivia was showing nothing but sympathy made her feel unworthy of her consideration.

"Don't worry about it. Can I check in with you later?" Despise accepting Amanda's request for some space, the brunette _knew_ something was wrong. The necessity to shield herself from the world was a defense mechanism she was all too familiar with.

"Of course. Thank you for understanding."

The week went by, and Amanda kept pushing Olivia away. It was not something premeditated. Torn between the need to feel protected and the all-too-frequents outpouring of emotions, she didn't feel in the right headspace to be around people. Olivia kept showing interest towards her, but it only increased her sense of guilt of not doing right by her.

* * *

Loneliness appeared misplaced since she's been the one insisting with Olivia that she was fine, but in the waiting room before her meeting with Dr Hanover, Amanda struggled to keep her emotions in check. She couldn't reasonably cry before the appointment even started, couldn't she?

As if she's been reading her mind, Dr Hanover didn't miss to ask about Olivia.

"It's just me," Amanda briefly explained. "I want to dig deeper. I'm ready," she announced even before she took a seat.

Dr Hanover offered a cordial nod. "Why don't you start by telling me how you've been doing?"

Amanda sighed. Of course Dr Hanover would want a feedback. A little hesitant, she nevertheless explained how any sounds made her feel jumpy lately.

"Those emergency reactions are perfectly normal right after a trauma. Sometimes, the body keeps perceiving threats and command our brain to react. Has this ever happened to you before?"

Amanda was familiar with all that. She'd counselled hundreds of women and quite frankly, the idea of being herself considered as a trauma patient still felt surreal and almost inappropriate. "A couple of times, nothing I couldn't handle though," she answered with a defiant look.

"And now, is it any different?"

"No, it's not, except I don't want to have to deal with that anymore. So, if going deeper is what it takes, then let's do it." Deep down, she already knew the need to be in control was just another technique to escape helplessness and she mentally sighed imagining what Dr Hanover might say next.

"There's a reason why the brain encodes memories like fragments, such as images, body sensations, and not the whole movie of what you've been through."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm familiar with dissociation," she declared with no attempt to hide her impatience.

Despite noticing Amanda's restlessness, Dr Hanover remained imperturbable and kept speaking in a soft and yet confident voice. "Everything inside you works with the_ intent_ to protect you, even if sometimes it ends up causing damages. It doesn't matter that you rationally understand the process. You can't control the pace."

The words sting like a cutting knife. How was Amanda ever supposed to get better if everything was out of her control? She didn't grace the doctor with an answer, her stare directed at the wall right in front of her.

"The time your body needs to trust you might be proportional to the time you take to trust people," Dr Hanover hinted, taking a guess and Amanda rolled her eyes.

"Well, so this might be all for nothing," she complained with frustration.

"You'll get there Amanda."

Dr Hanover then announced she wanted to try something different. As she reached for a blanket in one of her drawers, she explained that Amanda should either sit cross-legged or with her feet touching the ground.

Amanda suddenly felt self-conscious about the way she was ungraciously slumped on the sofa.

"I'll lead you into a relaxed state of awareness, not as deep as hypnosis, so you'll be more aware of your limits, and I want you to tell me when it feels like too much for you."

"What's the blanket for?"

"Chills and tingling can be frequent, and your body will be more aware of its limits if it's contained." Dr Hanover warmly smiled at Amanda's need to feel reassured beforehand. "Any other questions? Are you comfortable?"

"I'm ok."

"Now, gently close your eyes, and starting by your feet, I want you to delineate the limit of your body. Imagine you're mentally drawing your own silhouette. Tell me when you're done."

If at first, she found the request quite boring, Amanda soon noticed it was actually complicated to focus on one thing and ignore the brouhaha of her restless brain.

"I'm finished," she eventually mumbled with a calmer voice.

"The invisible skin you just drew allows you to feel safe in your own body. What other things make you feel safe?"

The detective couldn't figure out an answer and Dr Hanover advised to think of a sound or maybe a smell but the woman shrugged, unconvinced. Because Amanda didn't appear as a tactile person, Dr Hanover didn't suggest the sense of touch right away, but her guess was she voluntary kept people at a distance _because _she might be very sensitive to physical contact.

"My dog, Frannie. She makes me feel safe," Amanda eventually claimed.

"Good, perfect. I want you to imagine Frannie is right beside you. How does that make you feel?"

Amanda took a long breath and allowed her muscled to loosen up. "Calm."

"That's great Amanda. Now, I want you to think of the very first traumatic moment of your life you do remember," Dr Hanover asked and allowed the detective some time to ponder. "Ehm.. I don't remember much.."

"That's ok. Can you describe what you do remember?"

"I woke up in a jolt because of a slamming door," Amanda realised she was referring to the same memory that invaded her mind earlier that week; the one she had decided to ignore. "I'm just sitting in my bed and I don't know what's going on," she explained with detachment.

"How old were you?"

"About 5, I think."

"I want you to place your hand on your chest, and imagine that the young Amanda who's five years old is standing 10 feet away. Every time I count, she'll take one step closer to you.

"Mmh, ok."

"Describe me what you think she feels at first, and once she's close enough, maybe we can ask her directly to show us. All right, let's start: 10."

A little self-conscious, Amanda spoke with disinterest. "I can't see her well but she seems ok to me."

"9."

"I think she's just confused, she doesn't know what's going on."

Dr Hanover nodded. As predicted, Amanda was using her knowledge to fill in the blanks, without actually allowing her senses to help. "8."

"Maybe, she did something wrong. She's clearly upset now."

"7."

Amanda shut her eyes a little tighter, more and more affected by the stare of that strange girl, that she seemed to be meeting for the first time. "Her eyes, she's.. scared." Protectively, Amanda's hands grabbed on the soft material she was enveloped with, seeking for security. Dr Hanover took the hint into consideration, aware that Amanda has entered in a phase where her mind was not controlling her speech anymore. "6."

"I can see she's shaking," the detective stated with a shivering voice.

"5. If you want Amanda, she's now close enough for you to directly ask _her_ how she feels.

"She's so little, I don't want to scare her," Amanda admitted in almost a whisper.

"4."

Now, Amanda wasn't just seeing the distress of her previous self. For half than a second, she _felt_ it. Terror stabbed her heart and she started to exhale more than the amount of oxygen that could actually fill her lungs. "Enough," she wanted to scream but her voice got caught in her throat.

"Amanda, put your feet on the ground," Dr Hanover commanded firmly.

"I'm gonna be sick," Amanda coughed, scared that she wasn't going to get a hold of herself.

"No, you're not," the doctor affirmed. "Put your feet on the ground," she rigorously repeated, "you're with me?"

"No." Amanda suppressed a sob, her breathing still coming out in shallow.

"Your feet at grounded right here in my office. You are safe. Keep your arm on your chest, and imagine Frannie right beside you. We're going to contour the limit of your body once again, starting by your feet. Only focus on one task," the doctor smoothly instructed.

"'M'ok," Amanda whispered after a minute.

* * *

Even though Amanda had managed to calm down quite easily, she didn't feel good. The desperate need to talk with the only person she knew could understand her terror became impossible to resist. Despise the guilt of pushing her friend away when she pleased to only come back when she needed, she found herself behind Olivia's apartment door. She rang, but nobody answered. Her eyes rapidly filled up with tears, but the immense sadness was soon replaced by fatalism. She definitely didn't merit someone like Olivia in her life. Just when she was about to leave though, the captain opened the door and called for her.

"Sorry, I heard the bell but I was taking a shower," Olivia kindly welcomed but her expression changed when she caught sight of Amanda's demeanor. The blonde woman was staring at the floor with her arms limping, and most importantly, she was crying. "Honey, what's going on? Come in." Olivia wildly opened the door to no use. Amanda stayed rooted, defeated and ashamed. The captain gently grabbed her arm and guided her inside.

"I'm sorry if I pushed you away." When Amanda finally dared to face the brown eyes, she was met with nothing but compassion.

"Sweetheart, did you think I was upset?" Olivia asked, gently stroking her friend's back as she invited to woman to sit on the sofa. "I'm not, I promised. I gave you some space because sometimes, you and I need time to process, and I didn't want to push you. But I'm not angry. I was_ never_ angry. I'm really glad you're here now."

"I don't deserve you," Amanda admitted with a broken voice.

"Of course you deserve me. I'm gonna make you a nice cup of tea, and you're gonna tell me what's been going on with you."


	7. Chapter 7

_**Hi everyone! How are you? I thank you so much for your reviews. I'll be more than happy to answer (almost) any question you have about me in private. Feel free to reach out! The reason I said I was insecure about this story, is because I'm not sure what you think about Dr Hanover and Amanda's scenes. Anyway, for the time being, enjoy some Olivia/Amanda time. **_

**_Bless you._**

The resistance mechanism, the tough girl act was only a façade and yet, the artificial toughness had become her usual refuge. From the way Amanda was hunched on the sofa though, the captain easily guessed Amanda was deprived of her armour, her aching soul in plain sight. Liv's own heart saddened in a mirroring effect.

"Liv, can I stay here tonight? I'll be out of your sight first thing tomorrow." The argument used to ease the request didn't carry much weight considering they usually spent most of their day together at work but it nevertheless helped Amanda voice her need for company. The insecure woman inclined her head to stare deeply into the brunette's eyes. That way, she'd be able to tell if her presence wasn't desired.

Without hesitation, the older woman put her arm behind Amanda's shoulders. "You're welcome here anytime. Don't you know it by now?" When Olivia lightly stroke Amanda's cheek, her hand remained immobile on the young blonde's face. "You seem a little warm sweetie," she added with concern.

"Don't worry about that," Amanda contested with nonchalance. Paradoxically, her head subtly rested on Olivia's hand, craving for a tangible source of comfort.

"Of _course_ I worry!" The desire to cuddle Amanda in a protective manner drastically increased. Leaving Amanda alone, even for a minute, seemed intolerable. "Let me grab a thermometer real quick," she eventually whispered, lightly stroking Amanda's hair.

Amanda allowed her back to fully lean against the sofa. Almost instantly, her eyelids gave up the battle. In the back of her mind, guilt was still trying to persuade her that it was wrong of her to have just landed there, but there was nowhere she could _be_ right now. Olivia's apartment was the only place her heart might find a shelter.

A few seconds later, she felt Olivia gently measuring her temperature. Never in her lifetime, had someone been that considerate towards her.

_-Mum, I don't feel good!_

_-Neither do I. _

Olivia's soft voice brought her back to reality. "100.04 F. I don't think you want any medication, but I have some fever reducers in case," she offered, reaching for the blanket on the armrest.

Amanda blinked a few times, instinctively pushing down the emerging sadness. "I don't feel sick Liv. I'm.." No words came. _What was she exactly?_

"Overwhelmed?" Olivia took a guess.

"Yeah," she eventually agreed, rubbing her eyes gleaming with cemented tears.

"Well, you still need someone to care for you." Even if the low-grade fever could likely be explained by the amount of stress Amanda was currently dealing with, Olivia intended to do everything in her power to be supportive. For the second time of the day, the blonde woman found herself safely enveloped into a soft blanket. This time, the soft material, and more specifically the amber scent emaning from it, soothed her immediately.

"Have you eaten? I was just about to start dinner, but we can order in."

Here came the guilt again, trying to persuade her that bothering Olivia was a selfish mistake. "I can't," she whispered after a lengthy silence.

"You can't what?"

"Steal you sofa, your time.. and your food," Amanda explained with a serious voice, wriggling free from the blanket and the contentment it provided.

"Oh, you can, and you _will_." Olivia offered a sympathetic smile, while she wrapped once again the cover around her stubborn friend. When Amanda locked eye with her, she nodded meaningfully. "How about a soup?"

"I'm not sick Liv," she answered with a wince.

"Italian?" Olivia suggested next, aware that Amanda could not resist a comforting pasta dish.

Amanda lips hinted a smile. "Maybe." Again though, she felt like a bother and her chest tightened at how weak she was sounding. She tried to brush the twinge away but it only intensified. "You must be tired Liv. We've had a long day at work, I'm sorry I've just barged in here without permission. And I'.. you.. Mhh I.." The flow of words dangerously accelerated until they became uncoherent. Ultimately, Olivia could only hear Amanda's useless attempts to suck in air.

"I'm so glad you're here honey. I promise!" Olivia tenderly attempted to ease the other woman's insecurity to no use. "What's this really about?" Once the woman started sobbing though, the captain gave up the hope to reason with her friend. "Come here love." She invited even though she was the one reducing the distance between them.

Olivia lightly stroke the woman's forearm and that's all it took for Amanda to clumsily dive into Liv's embrace. "Get this out your chest honey. You'll feel so much better afterwards."

Even if Olivia's words of comfort couldn't be heard, the brunette knew she could somehow feel their tenderness.

Even when Amanda managed to compose herself, she didn't pull out from Liv's embrace. Her head sinking in against Olivia's chest, she took a long shaky breath. "I can move if you want me to."

Olivia held on to her just a little tighter in response. "I don't want you to."

Amanda stayed quiet for a while, listening to Olivia's regular heartbeats and allowing her own heart to harmonize with the calmness. The nest sheltering her from the ugly world, from _her own_ ugliness felt almost too good to be true. "At Dr Hanover's, I saw the look on that girl's face. She was so scared. How could I forget Liv? How could I just forget about it?"

Olivia kept stroking the golden hair, trying to work with the little information Amanda gave her. "You had no resources to help you. You forgot because it was the only way for you to survive."

Amanda's voice trembled once again. "I've failed her. For a lifetime I ran away from her. I ran away from myself because I can't stand to feel the terror sleeping inside me."

"You're feeling compassion for her now. By coming here and allowing yourself to be cared for, you're taking a step closer to her. You're showing _her_ that she matters by showing yourself the same thing. I'm so proud of you sweetheart."

"So what? I need to depend on someone else now?" Amanda pulled away from Liv's embrace, reclaiming her independence, but she immediately regretted it already missing the warmth Olivia's soul was able to provide.

"Absolutely not. You just need a little help for now. Is that such an awful thing? What you're doing is incredibly courageous, do you even see it?"

Amanda protectively wrapped her arm around her waist. Her spine sent chills all over her body and her eyes darkened. "I'm terrified."

Olivia's sad stare spoke volume. "I know."

"I knew you'd get it. The terror. I'm sorry if this is.."

"I do," Olivia interrupted with the intent to put a stop to Amanda's self-blame. Nobody could ever rationally understand utter terror. "Fear is not explainable. If my experience can help you navigate with yours, talk to me; talk _with_ me! We're stronger together, aren't we?"

"I have nothing to give Liv. I'm just a dead weight."

"Nonsense. We both know if I needed you right now, you'd be doing the impossible."

The two women eventually managed to enjoy a late dinner, after Amanda had asked to change subject. She'd cried enough for the day, and if she wanted to preserve pieces of her sanity, it was crucial that she'd just carried on with normal life, even if at the moment, the easiest task required a disproportional amount of energy. After what, they decided to abbreviate the night, both of them needing to rest.

Amanda insisted she'd sleep on the couch, mentioning that she still had trouble sleeping and that Olivia had done enough for her already. The brunette blatantly refused, praising virtues of a good night sleep. Eventually, they agreed to share the bed and most importantly, to not argue over that anymore, since they always ended up with the same conclusion.

The second Olivia turned the light off though, Amanda's resumed the hyperactive cogitation. She was trapped into the anarchy of her mind, thoughts parading faster and faster dragging with them obnoxious emotions . Hypnosis has helped, but night time would always trigger the inhibited angst she avoided during her busy days. She tried to calm down, to grab at the soft cover and let Olivia's soothing perfume penetrate her nostrils and conceivably soothe her. But her own mind despised her to the point she felt nauseous.

Olivia remained calm at first, allowing Amanda some time to settle. But eventually, she interrupted the incessant fussing and turning. "What is it?"

Amanda let her fists hit the mattress, and the sudden movement startled the brunette. "Sorry," she mumbled when she heard Olivia gasp. " I didn't mean to.. I.. Ehm.. I told you this was a bad idea. I'm gonna take the couch," she stated.

Olivia grabbed Amanda's hand to prevent her from leaving, but her concern immediately took another direction. "Honey, you're even warmer than before," she sighed nervously.

"Because I can't stop moving," Amanda explained with frustration.

Olivia didn't want to hear more excuses. Quick on her feet, she reached for the thermometer once again. "100.95. Amanda, your fever is rising." She gently pushed her forearm against her friend's forehead. "You might come up with something!"

"I'm just anxious," the blonde woman sighed.

"I'm serious." Olivia could be indulgent on many levels, but her friend's health was not negotiable. "Have you talk with Dr Hanover about it?" Olivia asked as she lay back down on the bed.

"Nah, I googled it."

"Well if you googled it, I'm feeling much better." Realising that the ironic tone wasn't contributing to something constructive, Olivia reached for Amanda's hand once again, a little for her own benefit. "What can I do honey?"

"Do you have a magic way of turning my thoughts off so I can sleep?"

"I can_ listen_ to your thoughts," Olivia suggested.

"I've talked enough for today."

Olivia started drawing delicate circles on the back of Amanda's hand, allowing her mind to gradually focus on the touch rather than the suffocating cogitation.

"Is it gonna be ok Olivia?" Against her mind's recommendation, Amanda sought for something to hold on to.

"Absolutely."

"I'll believe you for tonight."

"Good. And I'll tell you again tomorrow."


	8. Chapter 8

_This might be the __**last chapter**__ unless there is interest. I had originally planned to explore many traumas Amanda may have but I could just stop there, I think it would fit as well. Just let me know what you guys think! I wanted her to explore her conflicts with her mother, father and sister, and obviously, what happened with Patton, but I'm just not sure if it's the right thing to do. Anyway, ENJOY!_

* * *

Another day of work came to an end. Shyly, Amanda made her way to Olivia's office. "Thanks for taking the time to talk with me." The blonde detective mentioned earlier during the day that she could use some advice. Even though the captain welcomed her request with enthusiasm, she still felt ill at ease. Clumsily, she took a seat in front of Liv's desk fiddling with her fingers.

"Of course honey. How can I help?" Olivia didn't usually use a pet name when they were on the job -thankfully- but they were now sharing as friends and it carelessly slipped.

The captain took off her glasses and moved her seat so she could be closer to Amanda.

"Dr Hanover said I might be ready for a profound healing session, if I feel up for it."

Olivia frowned, not sure what Amanda was expecting of her at this point. "Do you?"

"I want to know what _you_ think," Amanda asked with an explicit stare that could either mean she was trying to read Olivia's mind or that she was reluctant to hear the reply.

"Why?"

"You praise wonders of a talking cure and… I want to know what you think about Dr Hanover's unconventional techniques," Amanda finally explained.

"It shouldn't matter what I think. I support you and I'm glad you've found an approach that fits you."

"All the talking in the world will not help me move past the blocking points. I mean, I have you if I want to talk, right? I don't want to be a victim Liv. I don't want to have to adjust my life around what happened to me. I'm not living like that." It felt good to say those things out loud even if she couldn't read Olivia's expression.

"It's refreshing to finally see you fight _for_ you instead of against yourself." Olivia never disappointed.

"You don't think it's pointless?"

"Honey, I want you to listen carefully: I couldn't be prouder of you. Your willingness is inspiring me. As a matter of fact, I might try hypnosis for myself someday," Olivia admitted.

Amanda shrugged with disinterest. No matter her need to feel validated, compliments were just not something she was able to take in yet. "Dr Hanover suggested you'd come with. She said it might be very intense, and I'm scared," she admitted.

"I've already promised to support you in any way that I can. Why would I back down now?"

"I'm just letting you know you can have a way out if you want."

"I'm more looking forward a way in!" Olivia chuckled.

* * *

As usual, Amanda was Dr Hanover last patient. If at first, she tried to take her appointment before work, as a way to squeeze them in during the day, she now preferred to have some free time afterwards to process her emotions. As promised, Olivia met her in the waiting room a few minutes before the appointment.

Even though Dr Hanover had already explained beforehand how the session would unfold, she was careful to remind Amanda of the procedure. "Once you'll be in an hypnotic state, I'll place a hand on your chest and one on your sternum. Later on, I'll move a hand on your stomach, below your belly button. I want to make sure it's all right with you," Dr Hanover asked.

Even though Amanda had already agreed to the healing session, she suddenly felt hesitant. Her arms protectively wrapped around her waist, she sighed. "I guess. I don't know."

"We don't have to do that until you're ready Amanda," Dr Hanover patiently repeated, offering a kind smile.

"I am ready _now_. I just don't know how I might react next."

"Crystallised emotions will resurface. Your job is to let them and breathe through it. It will most likely be challenging. I can't let Olivia do it this time because I will apply pressure when needed and I need to be able to tell how you feel in order to guide you through it. She can be present in the room if you want though. Touch will be the inducer of the reaction, but at some point, when the energy can recirculate normally, it'll also be the alleviator of your pain." Dr Hanover didn't enter into a scientific explanation, because feeding the mind with knowledge would only increase Amanda's resistance, but she nevertheless explained what the detective should expect, very much aware that the blonde detective needed the information to appease her mind.

"I wanna try. How do we stop if I can't anymore?"

"You use your safe word. Yellow. But it would be better if you didn't stop when my hand is on your belly. We can stop before that though, if you don't feel comfortable. Just let your body react as it needs to. Trust the process. Next time, it won't be that terrible anymore. Take a minute, see how you feel about this. We can always do something else."

Amanda answered rather quickly. Deep down, her mind had been made when she accepted the healing session and the preliminary discussion was just a way to reassure herself; a way to pretend that she was in control. "I want to do it. But I don't want Olivia to be in the room, is that ok?" For some reason, knowing that Liv was nearby felt reassuring, but Amanda could already guess that if she went through with Dr Hanover's plan, the experience might not be something her friend would love to observe. Also, her intuition whispered that it was an experience she needed to face alone.

"Whatever makes you more comfortable. I can always come and get her later on, if you want me to," Dr Hanover cordially reminded. "You can lie down when you're ready, I'll guide you into hypnosis."

Despise her apprehension, Amanda rapidly reached an altered state of consciousness. It was proof that she was getting familiar with it and that she understood her body way better than what she used to.

"How are you feeling?" Dr Hanover asked.

"I'm ok," Amanda mumbled.

While she explained once again where she was about to place her hands, Dr Hanover already noticed that Amanda was breathing from her chest. The short and quick amount of oxygen allowed her lungs to suck in just enough air to function. It was typical of anxiety.

Amanda lightly flinched when Dr Hanover placed her hand on her plexus and her instinct forced her to slightly open her eyes, just to reassure herself. Once she took a peak of the situation, she allowed her mind to relax and to only focus on her body sensations.

"My hand on your chest should not move at all when you breathe. Try and breathe from your belly."

Getting used to Dr Hanover's hand on her sternum required less effort than what she imagined and yet, she really struggled to complete the request.

"Deep breath in," Dr Hanover asked, and when Amanda expired, she applied a tiny pressure on Amanda's abdomen with the palm of her hand.

"It hurts," Amanda informed while grimacing.

Even though Amanda's perception was all that mattered, Dr Hanover explained that she was barely touching her.

"I can't breathe if you keep torturing me," Amanda insisted, instinctively taking a few small thoracic breaths.

"What hurts is the tension in your body. Do you feel threatened?"

"No, I know what we're doing."

"Your body doesn't," Dr Hanover explained.

"So what now?" Amanda asked with frustration.

"For now, we just breathe. I'm not taking this further if I can't feel your body relaxing. Do you want me to take away my hand?" Dr Hanover had no expectations and her only focus was to accompany Amanda towards a point where she would feel comfortable.

"No. I'm just trying to breathe like you said but I can't." Even though she felt confident, the bothering tension in her abdomen – the same she's been experiencing on and off for weeks- prevented her to let go.

"Try something else. I want you to yawn."

"What?"

"Yawning activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which calms everything in your body and therefore sets off the fight or flight response from the nervous system," Dr Hanover explained as she took her hands away from Amanda.

Amanda executed herself a few times and apologized when her stomach let out a loud rumble but Dr Hanover felt satisfied to notice the detective was finally letting her guards down.

The doctor resumed her previous position. "Let's try this again," she encouraged. "Deep breath in, and out." This time, Dr Hanover moved her palm in small circle clockwise to help the abdomen relax. "Good Amanda, you're getting there."

For several minutes, they practised belly breathing and each time, Dr Hanover applied a deeper pressure on Amanda's solar plexus. "That's good. How are you feeling?"

"Everything's ok, even if I'm not in control," Amanda exclaimed like a revelation.

"Exactly. Everything's ok." Dr Hanover repeated. "Do you want to get further?" She asked again.

"Yes, I do," she answered peacefully.

"All right. I'm moving my hand from your chest to your stomach," the doctor explained as she executed herself.

The gut reaction was immediate. Raw panic. Utter terror. Fear to die. Her breath was blocked in her stomach, if this was even possible. It refused to come back to the surface, as if there was no possible issue. She would not make it out of there alive if she moved, so the instinctive response was to play dead. She chose immobility until her body couldn't function anymore. Then she began to convulse while crude and savage sounds were escaping her throat. She'd been foolish enough to invite terror in and now she was letting it win. Disgust. Aversion. Degradation.

Olivia could hear and fear Amanda's terror from the waiting room. Her own stomach clenched while she nervously tried to get a hold of her shaking hands. She could _not_ sit and wait. She opened Dr Hanover's office door to find Amanda lying down in complete surrender, letting her demons consume her. Her friend was purely agonizing.

Dr Hanover composure seemed almost chocking. One hand on Amanda's stomach and the other one of her plexus, she didn't verbally intervene. Even though her primary focus was Amanda, she even took the time to gracefully nod at Olivia. The brunette realised she had not been invited to join the session and closed back the door, while her eyes filled with tears of powerlessness.

Eventually, Amanda calmed down. As Dr Hanover predicted, the same touch that initiated the repulsive reaction was able to bring her back in a neutral state. The touch even felt soothing now. She had willingly crossed hell and yet survived, nothing could really scare her anymore.

"Are you with me?" Dr Hanover asked, her voice soft. They might discuss the violent reaction afterwards but what was most important, for the time being, was to finish the session adequately, and give a sense of closure to Amanda.

"Mmh-mmh," the detective mumbled.

"Should we continue?"

"All right."

"Can you call the little Amanda, the one who experimented such terror?"

"I feel her now," Amanda explained, her voice broken.

"Is there something you wanna tell her?"

"I'm so sorry I neglected her." Her voice was almost a whisper.

"Tell _her_, not me. You can do that in silence, if you prefer."

_I'm so sorry I forgot about your pain. I thought I was doing you a favour. I wanted to help our family. I wanted to thrive. I did my best. _"Ok," Amanda whispered once she was done, not even bothering about the tears falling down her cheeks.

"How does the little Amanda feel?"

How she managed to feel her past self was still a wonder, but she could tell it worked and at this point, it was the only thing that mattered. "Better. Lighter."

"What would she want to do at five years old? Now that she's not paralysed with fear, she could be doing something she enjoys, don't you think? Tell her," Dr Hanover instructed.

Once again, Amanda didn't overthought her words. They just came naturally and it felt good to be able to internally express them. _You don't have to remind me of fear now. Look at me, I can deal with stuff. I'm the adult. You're just a kid and from now on, you can have a normal life. Get out, climb trees, play ball. Enjoy! I've got this._ Despise the wet tears, Amanda's face was peaceful. Inside her body, the same quietness had installed. Usually, silence would only be filled with constant thoughts. Now she was in a place where only serenity existed. "I'm done," she whispered even though she didn't even feel like talking anymore. The level of relaxation she was living felt surreal, almost like she didn't have a body or a mind of its own.

"Would you give her a hug?"

While she imagined the scene, Amanda experienced a warmth emanating from her own heart. The compassion she felt for herself was real, palpable. It wasn't just a stupid concept she could rationally understand. The emotion coming from within couldn't be more authentic. She wished she could capture the feeling and relive it endlessly.

Dr Hanover finally invited her to open her eyes whenever she was ready. Truth was, she didn't want to anymore.

* * *

"Are you ok?" Olivia asked as soon as Amanda met her in the waiting room.

The blonde detective nodded without elaborating. Once they were alone in the elevator though, she abruptly enveloped Olivia into a tender hug.

"Hey, are you sure you're ok?" Brown eyes filled with concern were trying to read her mystical expression.

"I've never felt that light before. I'm more than ok Olivia, I feel.. happy." Her laughter resonated into the small space. The blonde woman smiled, imagining that the little girl she once was could finally sense the careless joy. Once again, the brightest laugh escaped her lips.


	9. Chapter 9

_**So, I'm gonna give this a try, let's see how it goes. Hopefully, I get to talk about Amanda's relationship with her mother better next chapter, but you already know that I'm not much of a planner, and I'll just have to go with the flow. Let me know what you think, it means a lot to me. (and it motivates me to write faster obviously.)**_

_**Bless you!**_

Amanda had been feeling better. The low grade fever she's been experiencing had disappeared, and overall, her energy level along with her mood was improving. Even her sleeping habits had become healthier, except from nightmares. Usually, the hardest part for her was to fall asleep, but she hardly ever remembered her dreams. Recently though, she would wake up drenched in sweat, vivid images hunting her for hours. Sometimes, she dreamt about events of her childhood. She had read that it was actually proof that her conscious was trying to make sense of some events and that it was encouraging. That night, she dreamt about Olivia. It had been impossible to go back to sleep after that.

Even though she was perfectly aware that her imagination was using her biggest insecurities to play tricks on her, it had created a doubt. What if that woman who pretended to be her friend would end up hurting her feelings? She had never trusted someone so blindly and if at first the only thought of the Captain was enough to provide safety, it has now become a source of angst. Fearing her demons was one thing, but fearing the people she loved left her disarmed.

* * *

"Come on in Amanda, I'll just be a minute," Dr Hanover greeted, allowing access to her office as she briefly exited it.

The blonde detective took a seat on the grey sofa and her heart began to pound into her chest, recalling how torturous the last session had been. She was not in the right headspace for such intensity today.

"How have you been doing?"

The consistent good mood she seemed to be in was annoying to the detective. "Better."

"Care to elaborate?" Dr Hanover asked, sitting in the sofa opposite Amanda's.

It didn't matter how long Amanda had been in therapy, she would still feel self-conscious when talking about herself. Someone whose job was to pretend to care about her was literally taking notes, and she was supposed to just complain about her daily life? "_Much_ better?", she asserted, slightly rising her voice.

Amanda's version of elaboration still needed improvement. "Nice try." Dr Hanover squinted her eyes at the ironic answer, and let go of her writing pad, reminding herself that Amanda didn't like the feeling of being analysed. "Sleeping ok?"

"Also better?" Amanda sighed, aware that she sounded like an uncooperative teenager. "Except.. from nightmares. But I've been spending the week-end with my mother so… my mind must be poisoned or something," she mumbled bitterly. Again, she wasn't proud of her lack of maturity about the situation.

"How did that go?"

"With my mum? It's complicated." If Amanda wasn't an open book to start with, the only reference to her mother instinctively impacted her body language. She brought one knee against herself while crossing her arms around the waist.

It wasn't the first time Dr Hanover noticed the change in behaviour when Amanda's mother was being mentioned. "Complicated how?"

"I _don't_ wanna talk about her." The darkening expression emphasised the statement and Amanda really hoped Dr Hanover would not dare insisting.

"I know you like information, so I'm gonna give you something to reflect on." Dr Hanover waited on Amanda's approval before continuing. "The early interaction with your mother, specifically during your first month of life are determinant for the way you'll perceive the world. Some studies show that the impact of the mother on the child's well-being can even start before birth. The type of attachment you may have with your mother directly impact your judgment."

_Great, so I was fucked up before I was even born, _Amanda thought. For a second, her eyes widened, fearing she might have said the words out loud. The only thing that felt reassuring at this point was the use of her detective skills. She accurately started studying Dr Hanover's traits.

"You're the patient here," Dr Hanover gently reminded, aware of Amanda's tricks.

Amanda sighed. "I'm sorry.. it's just.."

"You feel vulnerable and your instinct kicked in."

"Yeah," Amanda responded with an empty stare.

"Amanda? Do you need a glass of water?" Sometimes, a simple distraction could help refocus on the present moment.

"I'm good." Amanda offered a polite -and very fake- smile. "She's not… a bad person."

"My work is not about judging her. It's about whether you knew or not that someone was there to meet your needs," Dr Hanover redirected the subject.

"Well, we both know she wasn't so… I don't really see the point of this. I'm a grown woman now and I should be able to have a normal relationship with her," Amanda exclaimed like a self-reprimand.

"I have two questions here and I want you to think about them. Do you _want_ to have a relationship with your mother? And _why_ do you think is it always on you to make things work?"

Dr Hanover raised pertinent questions, but talking and thinking about her personal life was not something that came naturally. "Because.. I have to," she concluded without the benefit of insight.

The doctor reached back for her writing pad to briefly note a few words. Articulating her emotions was definitely not something the detective was willing to do yet. "Feeling like lying down for a minute? Let's settle for an induction," she casually announced.

Amanda's stomach strongly objected with the sudden change of pace. "What?! I can't do something like… last time. And my mother is off topic," she clarified, nevertheless hoping to dissimulate the wave of nausea she was experiencing.

"I know," Dr Hanover answered with a nod of head. "Can you trust me? Even if I don't give you much information beforehand?"

Amanda took a few seconds to let the words sink but the rising panic made the decision for her. She shook her head, suppressing a sob.

"Take a breath and try to tell me what's going on."

"It's just,… I didn't see that coming." That day more than usual, Amanda had a hard time finding words to express herself. She'd been spending the week-end trying _not _to give too much credit about her feelings and it had been counterproductive.

"We already did something like that a few weeks ago, remember? But I'd never do a session like last time without a warning, I know how you function," Dr Hanover reassured.

Amanda rubbed her temples in an attempt to calm herself down. "My mum… she's unpredictable. It messes up with.." _with life, _she wanted to say, but she decided against it.

"With your sense of safety?"

"Pretty much," Amanda whispered.

"So the fact you couldn't anticipate my plans scared you?"

"What you said earlier, about how my relationship with my mother impacts on everything else, I know ok? But can we let that go for today?"

"Yes, we can," the doctor approved, avoiding to mention that Amanda was the one actually bringing her mother up again. "What I'd like to do, is helping you relax, maybe some breathing exercises depending on how tensed you're feeling. After that, I will talk and you'll focus on visualizing my words. I figured that today you'd want to take it easy. Is that ok?"

"Sounds good," Amanda agreed.

"Close your eyes and allow every muscle of your body to loosen the tension, starting with your feet, your legs, your back, the stomach, the ribs, the chest, your neck. Imagine your shoulder are melting and your arms are weightless. Your elbows let go of the tension, and you feel the wellness travel among your arms, and each one of your fingers. Finally, you allow your head a break and instead, you focus on the beating of your heart. Is it ok if I put my hand on your abdomen?"

"I'd rather not." It did feel like a failure to refuse the touch, but she felt like anything at this point could unsettle the little balance she had gained.

"Ok. Can you tell me if it hurts?"

"Yes, it does." Her abdomen never hurt if she didn't think about it, but the second she'd focus on it, she could feel how tense it was. How tense _she _was.

"I'm going to count to five, and I want you to inspire for five seconds. Then, you'll hold your respiration for 3 seconds, and when I count backwards, you gently expire. We're going to do that for five minutes straight. No interruption. You think you can do that?"

"Yes." Amanda completed the exercise and it never occurred to her how much one minute could seem like an eternity. Breathing was boring. And the fact she was supposed to listen to Dr Hanover's voice made the task even more monotonous. But her strong will was at least something she could count on, and eventually, five minutes passed.

"How are you feeling now?"

"Better." As uninteresting as the assignment had been, it eased up some of the tension she was used to ignore.

"Is this your favourite word?"

Amanda's lips formed a faint smile. "Can we.. stop here for today? I just… I need to… can we?" There was no rational explanation, except that she could not deal with the aftermath of her challenging week-end.

"Take a moment Amanda, just relax. We don't have to talk. There is a safe base within yourself you can always return to. Try to feel that within you."

"For how long?" Amanda asked.

"You decide," Dr Hanover conceded. The return of Amanda's mother in her life exacerbated the need to be in control and it wasn't the right time to take that away from her.

* * *

Once in her car, Amanda let off a long sigh. Dr Hanover's question was haunting her. Did she _want_ a relationship with her mother? It never occurred to her that she had a choice on that matter. She reached for her phone, to find a message from Olivia.

_If this is one of those days where you want company, I've ordered pizza. Would be happy to share. _

"I'm on my way," she quickly taped before starting the engine. It was one of those days when she felt like she did _not _deserve the company, but she was weak. _Just like her mother._

* * *

Olivia's warm smile erased itself when she took note of her friend's reticence at entering the apartment.

"Why?" Her eyes filled with genuine incomprehension, the blonde detective stood over the threshold, already aware that she did not procure enough information. She somehow hoped the Captain could magically guess about the internal monologue she's had during the way.

Justifiably, Olivia arched an eyebrow in confusion. "Why what?"

"Why are you so nice to me?" Amanda asked like a reproach even though she could not resolve herself to meet the brown eyes staring at her.

Ignoring the all too obvious carapace her friend was using as a shield, Olivia kept her voice soft. "I'm not understanding. Why wouldn't I be?"

"You know I tend to feel bad after my therapy's appointment, so you ordered pizza just in case I might need it?" The tone had softened but the antarctic stare almost scared the usually collected brunette.

"Is that not ok?"

"Why?" Amanda asked firmly once again

"Who are you so angry at honey?" Olivia tried.

The blonde let out a long sigh, clenching her fists. "Is this a trick Liv? Are you going to hurt me eventually? I need to know. Because I couldn't take it. I couldn't. I need to know now and.."

"Hey… Let's slow down for a minute! Come in," Olivia decisively grabbed the woman gasping for air by the arm, and guided her towards the living room. "Sit down," Olivia suggested but Amanda's restless legs preferred to pace back and forth across the small area. "I need to know Olivia," she kept repeating.

"Come here sweetheart," the captain finally said, interrupting the marathon and pressuring Amanda to sit down next to her.

The blonde woman sat at the edge of the sofa, her legs widely open and her elbows pushed against her knees. "I can't slow down," she exclaimed with a mixture of anger and frustration.

Olivia positioned herself right behind her friend. She then enveloped Amanda into an embrace, letting the warmness of her hands land on the woman's heart. "I've got you," she softly whispered in compassion.

"Is this a trick Liv? I need to know," she demanded through clenched teeth.

Olivia gently massaged her collarbone. "I could never hurt you hon', not on purpose. You know that," she murmured directly through her ear. "You're safe with me."

The appeasing sensation soothed Amanda immediately but believing Olivia right at this moment required a leap of faith. "I'm sorry Liv," she admitted once her entire system returned to calm.

"Difficult session?" Olivia took a guess.

"Difficult week-end, my mum was in town."

"Oh." There was no better word to express her sympathy. Worried, the captain attempted to change position in order to have a clearer reading of Amanda's expression, but the younger woman shyly placed her hands upon Olivia's. Eventually, she allowed herself the right to hold on to Olivia's fingers with more conviction. "Don't let go just yet. I need to.."

"What do you need baby?" Olivia asked, pressing Amanda's body against hers in a protective manner.

"Just, don't let go," Amanda pleaded, closing her eyes. Must she ever lose Olivia's friendship, she'd always have this moment to remember. She could always tell herself there was a time somebody had cared for her.

"I won't," Olivia promised. "I won't let go of you."


	10. Chapter 10

_**Hey! Sorry it took me awhile to write this chapter. I hope you're still interested in this story and I can't wait to hear your thoughts.**_

_**Bless you!**_

Even though it was far from being her favourite activity, movie night seemed like the perfect distraction for the evening. Her dislike for television didn't matter as long as it prevented the latent anxiety to stay at bay. That way, Amanda would enjoy Liv's company without having to put too much effort into conversation. At work, it was not about her; she knew how to be a detective and therefore she could function. The second she was alone with her thoughts, it was a different story. The bell startled her and she almost threw the big bowl she was about to dispose on the coffee table.

"Right on time, I just finished making some pop-corns." The door was widely open and a shy smile appeared on the blonde's face.

"I wasn't sure if this was a wine kind of night or more of a tea-party, so I brought both," Olivia chuckled, aware that Thursdays were known as therapist appointment days. After last time, both women agreed that this peculiar day would also be a moment where Amanda needed a presence and that unless she specifically asked to be left alone, both women would spend time together.

"Liv, you shouldn't have, I've got it covered," the blonde said motioning for the living room. For once, the coffee table was filled with appetizers and all sort of snacks. Even though the brunette appreciated the effort, it was very out of character for her friend to even buy food, let along taking the time to nicely set up a table.

"You're fascinating," Olivia declared, arching an eyebrow while she tried to read between the lines.

"Why is that?"

"Just when I think I finally know you, you keep slipping through my fingers."

Amanda couldn't resolve to meet Olivia's eyes. "I just.. wanted to do something nice for you, I.. Hmm.. Your support means a lot," she said with hesitation. Somehow, showing appreciation made her feel vulnerable and she kept fidgeting with her fingers as a way to distract herself.

"Well, _you_ mean a lot to me. You don't have to thank me for doing what friends do for each other." The warm stare filled with concern when the brunette took notice of how Amanda kept avoiding her gaze. "Amanda, do you wanna talk about anything?"

Amanda was quick to shake her head.

"All right." Olivia didn't push further. The night was still young and it she was aware that it usually took some time for Amanda to open up.

They settled for watching a bad cop show, just so they could spot the errors and laugh about how improbable the scenarios were. Despise Amanda's best efforts to enjoy the night, guilt was building itself up. She took a sip of hot tea and let her gaze drown into the hot beverage. "I didn't go," she eventually mumbled after half an hour of falsehood casualness.

"What?"

"To my therapist appointment today. I didn't go," Amanda admitted, expecting a reprimand of some sort but none of that happened.

Olivia tilted her head in sympathy, encouraging her friend to confide in her. She muted the TV in order to focus all of her attention on the younger woman. "Do you want to tell me why?"

Amanda settled the cup on the table and brought one knee against her chest in a protective manner. "I can't talk about my mother. I know it might sound stupid, but somehow, I don't feel like I'm being fair to her. I was raised to keep quiet about what was going on. It's hard enough to talk about me but.. this I can't do," she explained with more clarity than she previously imagined.

"First, nothing you feel can be qualified as stupid," Olivia declared as she squeezed Amanda's shoulder with affection. "One of the things I admire the most is how loyal you are. But there's one person you keep forgetting over and over. What do _you_ need honey?"

"Liv? Can you make sure I go to my next appointment?" The blonde knew herself well enough to know that if she dodged one more session, she's eventually end up quitting.

"Of course," Olivia tenderly whispered. "Do you want me to come with?"

"Please."

* * *

"Last week's been crazy, I was in the middle of a case and I'm sorry I didn't make it," Amanda rambled and it was a little too obvious that she was trying to make up excuses.

"You're here now, that's what matters," Dr Hanover answered with her usual sympathy. She figured Amanda had been given some thoughts about her mother and that was why she brought Olivia with for moral support. Amanda confirmed her intuition and they both agreed that for that day, they'd just explore whatever would come up and then decide how to proceed for future sessions.

"I know this is difficult for you, you can say it," Dr Hanover acknowledged when Amanda reluctantly took place on the sofa.

Just before lying down, she built up the courage to voice a request. "Actually, can Olivia sit in with us?" She couldn't resolve to open up about her mother to Dr Hanover. The bubbly attitude, the positive personality just made her feel self-conscious for some reason, and she didn't feel comfortable. Olivia's soothing presence was the only thing that could actually bring her some comfort, maybe because the Captain knew first-hand what it meant to have a conflicted relationship with parents.

When Olivia entered the room, Amanda didn't dare asking if she could come sitting next to her. It was ridiculous enough to admit that she needed someone to chaperon the session. Fortunately, the brunette sensed her distress and carefully moved her seat near Amanda's head. The blonde woman offered a slight nod of appreciation before allowing herself to be guided into an hypnotical state.

"All right Amanda, I want you to focus on your body sensations. How would you describe them?"

"It's quiet."

"Are you feeling good and relaxed?"

"Yes"

"That's great. Now, I want you to think of your mother. Imagine the sound of her voice, her perfume, her gestures, her eyes." Dr Hanover spoke slowly to allow Amanda the chance not only to picture her mother but to really feel her presence. She quickly interrupted the induction noticing how Amanda was contracting her thighs muscles while her hands were trying to grab at the sofa. Dr Hanover didn't imagine such an immediate reaction, but once again it only proved how efficient the alternate state of consciousness was.

The blonde woman's cardiac rhythm was hastily accelerating and it almost seemed like she was choking on her rage.

"Amanda focus on controlling your respiration."

The distressed woman tried to do as told but the anger pulsing through her vein made it impossible to exert some kind of willpower.

Olivia squeezed her eyes shot, fighting her own battle in resisting the need to reach out and provide some kind of alleviation.

"All right, ok, I want you to pinch your right nostril closed, so you can breathe from your left nostril," the Doctor instructed. The breathing practices directly impact the cerebral electrical activity, helping restoring the balance between the left and the right side of the brain. Breathing through the left nostril helps the body coming back into the sympathetic system dominance, leading to calmness. From the glance Olivia just gave her, Dr Hanover knew she'd have to explain all of that further on. She didn't mind though. After all, those were useful tricks for someone used to face violence and deal with a fragile population on a daily basis, since it was peculiarly effective to calm down anger. "Do it," Dr Hanover reinforced when Amanda hesitated.

Even though it was hard to inhale at first, soon enough, the small woman was able to regain control of the situation all by herself, which was another progress that Dr Hanover was glad to notice. She instructed Amanda to keep breathing from her left nostril for a minute.

"Very good Amanda, you did very good," Dr Hanover reassured. "Is it ok if we talk a little?"

"I'm not talking to you." Amanda's tone was firm, and even though she was somehow appeased, she also felt the need to guard herself.

"Are you angry at me?"

"I'm angry at everyone," she snapped.

"Is anger all you can feel?"

Amanda's impulsion commanded her to agree, but if she focused on her heart, she could sense how hunched up it was, almost like it was trying to shrink itself so no one could spot it.

Dr Hanover tried another angle. "Where are you Amanda?"

"I'm at church," Amanda whispered after a few seconds of internal monologue.

"Can you describe the scene to us? What's got you so upset?"

"My mum is talking to the Collins. They're the perfect family. And she's stroking my hair, saying all sorts of nice things about me. How I do so well in school and I'll probably become a doctor or something," Amanda explained through clenched teeth.

"What's going on in your head at this moment?"

"Mama doesn't think a word she's saying, she's just trying to impress people."

"How do you figure?"

"Because she never does that. Nobody cares for me! I hate her for pretending to care, she touches my hair but I can feel how cold she is. And I don't want to be touched right now. Why doesn't she cuddle me when we're at home? Why doesn't she ask me if I'm ok after my dad hurt me? Why does she always wants me to shut up? It's always about her. Or Kim. And I'm just.." That time, anger had the total opposite effect and Amanda emptied her hurting heart without being able to stop herself until she realised what she was doing.

"What are you?"

"I'm no one."

"So, there's sadness underneath the anger?"

"Yeah."

"How old are you?"

"About thirteen. I just won a big game the day before, no one was even there to witness it and now I have to sit here and pray to a god I don't believe in while my mum rambles about our perfect imaginary life when we all know we'll be bruised before noon. Why do we always pretend to be people we're not?"

While Olivia's heart broke into a million pieces at hearing her friend sharing some specifics of her past, Dr Hanover's attention was caught by the last sentence. "It's interesting that you would say that. Ask you thirteen year old self. Does she think that you do that? That you pretend to be someone you're not?"

Amanda nodded, her throat feeling too narrow to let a word slip through it.

"She's angry at you?"

Amanda nodded again.

"Why is that?"

Amanda shook her head while a million thoughts were attacking her from within. And in the state she was in, it almost felt like each sentence would end up physically hurting her. _You're hypocrite like your mother. We were supposed to do something good with our life. You're a loser. Nobody can ever love you. _

Somehow, the unspoken anger towards her mother managed to transform into destructive emotions that her thirteen year old self used to incriminate her with.

Amanda was brought back to the present by Dr Hanover's voice, but she couldn't bring herself to interact with her.

"You don't wanna say?" Dr Hanover deducted. "Ok, that's ok. I'm gonna guide you to.."

Amanda opened her eyes before her emotions got the best of her. "No," she simply stated in defeat. The blonde woman straightened up but refused to establish eye-contact.

"It may seem like a failure because you're feeling upset right now, but it was a very productive session Amanda." Dr Hanover declared.

It seemed like the blonde wasn't really there, though. At first, it could be explained by the discouragement she might be encountering, but Olivia knew right away that something wasn't right. "Amanda are you ok?" The pale complexion and mostly the way she kept closing her eyes in confusion gave it away.

The possibility of experiencing a full panic attack in Dr Hanover's office made her anxious. She'd been through enough already for the day. Amanda lifted her head, silently pleading for Olivia to do something.

The captain and the Doctor exchanged a quick glance, not sure which one should intervene, but Olivia was the quickest. "Why don't you lay back down for a minute?" she said, gently pushing her friend's back against the sofa.

Dr Hanover sat right next to Amanda. "Can I?" she asked before placing the palm of her hand on Amanda's abdomen, massaging it clockwise until the woman was able to release some tension. "Close your eyes. Imagine you're sitting in front of a beautiful tree. It's called the tree of worry. Whatever is bothering you right now and you can't share yet, you can visualise yourself writing it on a piece of paper. You can than offer your worry to the tree, so it doesn't weight on you anymore.

Her mind might be judging Dr Hanover's visualisations, but somehow, she always ended up doing what was told. As much as today's session hurt her, it also allowed her to understand that she ought it to herself to make things right. She wasn't scared about exploring her relationship with her mother anymore. No one deserved the power to make her feel like she was worthless, not even the person who gave her life.


	11. Chapter 11

**_Hey, I know it's been a while. I've been very busy lately, and also… I don't know how it is for other writers, but for me, it feels like the second I stop, I might never be able to keep going, almost like I have nothing to say. It's been a few days, I've tried to write a new story, or update an old one and I just couldn't find the words. I hope it doesn't show and that you'll still enjoy this chapter. I'll try and update more often (this story or another one) if I notice there is interest._**

**_I hope you're all safe and sound._**

* * *

Dr Hanover explained how she would help Amanda navigate during the session. "Regarding your mother, I think it's important that you allow yourself the opportunity to say your piece."

Amanda bit her lip. Somewhere along the way, she'd become someone pretending that things were fine when they weren't. "I don't know if I can do that, I feel like my head gets blank every time we mention my mother," she admitted, wrapping her hands around her size. It was the only way she'd found to cope back then, but she hadn't realised it made her a hypocrite. She could live being called many names, but that, she couldn't deal with. It would probably be the hardest part of therapy, she thought, but she would not be _weak like her mom_. "Still, I want to try," she eventually added after a few seconds of internal monologue.

Dr Hanover smiled in sympathy. "Your head gets blank because it's convenient. Let me explain with a metaphor. It's like you need to get from point A to point B, and there are many ways in front of you. Your brain has learnt the best shortcut for you to avoid pain. That's what most humans do. But what I'll do right now, is prevent you to take the shortcut. I'll stand in the way. You're familiar with that in your line of work I'm sure."

Amanda sighed. "Yeah, we do that so victims may remember details that might help us catch predators. What I don't get is, why would I do that? Why would I teach my brain a way that might hurt?"

"I'd say the ultimate goal is learning that you don't have to shut down your emotions, that you can handle them. Because until you do that, you keep denying yourself the attention you deserve. You keep ignoring your needs."

"I'm a hypocrite." Since last session the word could not leave her alone. She'd labelled herself in what seemed to be the worst possible way. Her defeated eyes landed on the ground.

"And you keep depreciating yourself," Dr Hanover reformulated. "Is this something you believe, that you're a hypocrite?" She tried.

Amanda rolled her eyes defensively. "Isn't that what you just said?"

"No, I did not. How come that's what you heard?" Dr Hanover asked, even though she already knew the answer. What she wondered though, is whether Amanda was aware of her own cognitive biases. Also, she wouldn't dare mentioning it, but it was one of the first time where Amanda felt comfortable conversing about herself and didn't attempt to shut down the discussion right away. They were making progress, Dr Hanover wrote down on her notepad.

"I'm just like my mother. I keep pretending that things are fine when they aren't." She couldn't stop fidgeting with her fingers as a way to canalise her nervousness and that didn't go unnoticed.

"Do you do that on purpose?" Dr Hanover asked carefully.

"No but.." The result was the same: she was just like the one person she had wanted to distinguish herself from. She was a fraud.

"What's your intention when you attempt to diminish your feelings?"

Amanda sighed. "I just.. I don't want to be a bother I guess," she avoided casually. Whether it was true or not, she had no idea though.

"So, you _are_ depreciating yourself, like I said," Dr Hanover nodded, hoping that she made her point, but the unconvinced expression of the detective didn't play in her favour. "Are you ready for us to keep going?"

The blasé expression was soon chased away. Amanda couldn't tell why the words hit her. She tried to brush the fear invading her eyes but couldn't bring herself to agree. "I don't know," she whispered lowering her gaze.

The change of behaviour was caught right away. "What's going on Amanda?"

Amanda shook her head, as to minimise her reaction. _What she felt didn't matter._ _It was stupid anyway. _

"Please, tell me," Dr Hanover insisted, her voice soft.

For a minute, Dr Hanover thought Amanda had shut down, but eventually, she cleared her voice. "I know what I have to do but.. I just can't." The fragile tone explained more than the words could. Amanda was judging herself. Again.

Dr Hanover redirected her inquiring trying to prove that nothing was as catastrophic as Amanda imagined. "Can you tell me what part of what's next sounds overwhelming? I'm sure we can readjust the session according to your needs."

It worked fairly well. Sometimes, it was hard to put words on her feelings, but Dr Hanover was good at asking questions Amanda could somehow answer. "I don't want you.. standing in the way. It makes me anxious. I need to be able to escape when I need to." Her voice was calmer now, almost as if she knew they'd eventually make a compromise. After all, it was not the first time she suddenly bailed on a request. "But I want to be challenged. I don't want to get out of here and think that I've.. failed".

"There's no such thing as failing a session Amanda. But I see what you mean, and it's great that you want to progress. I've noticed that you've been really willing to put in the work lately. I hope you're proud of yourself," the Doctor said in encouragement, even though it didn't seem like Amanda could really take in the compliment. "Ok, I can feel there are many emotions you might want to acknowledge right now. Should we focus on what's emerging?"

Amanda agreed and seemed relieved. Although vague, the proposition seemed challenging enough but not too hard to deal with.

"Are you comfortable with touch?" Dr Hanover asked since it really depended on the day.

Amanda nodded and as usual now, she let the doctor guide her into hypnosis. The modified state of consciousness seemed familiar now, and the blonde detective appreciated the relaxation it procured. It felt like a break from life, allowing her to see things from another perspective.

"All right Amanda. I'm gonna accompany you, with one hand on your stomach and the other one on your heart. Is that ok?"

"Yeah."

"Here we go," Dr Hanover announced as a warning that she was about to initiate the contact. Amanda flinched at the touch and the immediate response of her body was repugnance.

"You're ok, you're safe." Dr Hanover reassured, sensing the tension. "I'm here to help. Can you feel that?"

"It's always hard to get used to the touch at first," Amanda acknowledged without overthinking.

"I can stop."

"No, it's nice now."

"Does it help you feel grounded?"

"Mmh-mmh," she mumbled in appreciation.

"That's the goal Amanda. You focus on my hand on your stomach and breathe right from your belly. Whatever emotion is emerging we can handle," she reassured one more time before things got serious. "I want you to imagine yourself somewhere comfortable. A place where you feel safe."

"Ok," Amanda nodded without really thinking of anything in particular. There wasn't a place she felt peculiarly safer than another.

"Now, I want you to call your mother and whenever you're ready, you let her appear next to you. She's coming so you two can talk. How do you feel about that?"

"Good." Amanda was so used to dissociate from her sensations as soon as something was uncomfortable that she didn't take notice of her body reaction.

"Amanda you need to breathe," Dr Hanover reminded, gently moving her hand upon the stomach and calling her patient back into reality.

"Right." That's only when she tried to inhale that she noticed how miserable she was suddenly feeling, almost like the air was too thick for her to breathe. Maybe, she was better off without feeling too much of the pain. "It hurts," she whimpered.

"I know. You've got this though," Dr Hanover sympathised.

Amanda did as told, and breathed her own discomfort. The sadness, the rage, the abandonment, the fear. Quickly enough, the few tears running along her cheeks transformed into a meltdown. Her upper body tried to straighten, ready to sneak out of the office but Dr Hanover's voice caught her attention.

"Let it happen,.. it's ok.., don't run away.., deep breaths.., good," the Doctor repeated until the storm had passed. "Can you try and put words on what you feel?"

Her voice raspy, Amanda nevertheless attempted to communicate. "I know I shouldn't judge her. She's done her best. Hasn't she?"

"Probably. But it's not about her. It's about you. How do_ you_ feel Amanda?"

"Why would you ask that? It's not like she cares anyway. I can't tell her that," Amanda admitted and another wave of tears followed.

Dr Hanover took off her hand from Amanda's upper body and instructed the detective to place her own hand upon her heart instead. "You're doing this for yourself. Not for me, not for your mother. Speak from your heart. Tell you mum how you feel."

Amanda couldn't take the heaviness anymore. After a few laboured breaths, she finally got quiet. She didn't say the words out loud, but Dr Hanover could tell she was doing as told because of the way she allowed her stomach to stop resisting. Strangely, her body didn't hurt as much anymore, almost as if she was given herself the permission to simply exist. _Mama I know you don't wanna hear any of this, but I can't keep quiet anymore. If I'm not good enough for you, who will I be good enough for? I can't keep living my life wondering how it feels like to be worthy of love. Maybe I am. Do you think I am? _The amount of emotions crossing her little frame scared the hell out of her, almost like she'd never be able to contain herself anymore.

"How do you feel Amanda?"

"Really sad," she admitted between two sobs.

"Are you willing to forgive your mother?" Dr Hanover asked.

"How?"

"Start with _I forgive you for, _and repeat what you just told your mother,_" _Dr Hanover explained.

It sounded a little bit too easy. That's not how it worked, Amanda's mind knew it. She wanted to oppose, but the hypnotical state made it harder to argue, so she did as told.

"I forgive you for making me feel like I'm not good enough for you." she whispered out loud without realising it.

"Say it again," Dr Hanover coaxed, and she made Amanda repeat it until she could fully breathe. "How does your body feel now?"

Amanda sighed. This session was nothing like she imagined it would have been. "Am I supposed to say I feel better, because I don't," the petite blonde argued with a pinch of irony.

"How does your body feel?" Dr Hanover repeated without any judgment.

"Like it can't contain all this mess anymore. I can't keep quiet. I can't breathe!" It was not her mind speaking. Somehow, the words slipped through her and she couldn't even make sense of them.

"Your body feel like it's gonna break because you're about to bottle things up again. It can't take that anymore, don't you think?" Dr Hanover suggested as she moved her hand from the stomach to Amanda's abdomen, to help her breathe. She waited for Amanda to expire before pressing her palm against the solar plexus.

"I don't wanna do that anymore," Amanda recognised with a trembling voice.

"You don't have to," Dr Hanover reassured. "You don't have to. Just relax, until you're ready." Amanda took this as a signal that the session was over and opened them right away but Dr Hanover shook her head. "Take a few more minutes," Dr Hanover recommended. "We're in no hurry."

After a while, Amanda opened her eyes and sat down. For some reasons, her body couldn't stop shaking.

"That can happen. Don't worry about it," Dr Hanover explained. "It's been way more intense than what you were prepared for."

Amanda noticed that the hourglass indicated that her time was up. "I'm sorry.. I.."

"No, you don't apologise. You're my last patient anyway. No worries."

"I should go," she insisted.

"I'm not sure you should drive like this Amanda. Would you like me to call Olivia for you? Or a friend?"

"It's ok, I'm ok."

"No, you're not. And you don't have to pretend anymore. Isn't that what the whole session was about?"

"So what am I supposed to do? I can't function like this," she declared with frustration while exposing her shaking hands. "I'm a cop," she justified.

"You're a human. This won't last. Can you trust that your body knows what it's doing?"

"So what's this?" She asked with a daring voice.

"Your body trying to adjust to living without having to block the emotions you're feeling?" She gently answered. "Let me call Olivia for you. You can wait for her here. Ok?"

Slightly ashamed, Amanda nodded.

* * *

"I came as fast as I could," Olivia whispered as both women walked on the sideway. With maternal instinct, Liv interlaced her arm with Amanda's shaking member. The captain decided to not expose too much of her concern until she knew that her friend was safe and sound in her own apartment.

Amanda had to bite her lips in order to avoid an unnecessary apology. "I was fine enough to go home by myself," she nevertheless justified out of habit.

"Were you?" Olivia dared and the blonde woman could feel the warmth of the chocolate eyes melting with worry. It made her want to lean even closer against her boss and friend.

"I think so," she insisted without arrogance, meeting Olivia's gaze. "I just.. I didn't want to." Her voice was candid, and as much as the whole situation had been unusual, the tranquillity emanating from her shivering body made Amanda question her sanity. Was she dreaming? She'd never felt that unblushingly vulnerable.

The brunette tilted her head with curiosity. She too could feel something pleasantly strange about her friend's attitude. "You wanted company?" Liv asked giving the arm a gently squeeze of encouragement.

Amanda's feet were suddenly rooted in the cement. She lowered her eyes as if she had no control over her own actions, and she faced the brunette once again. "I need to feel cared for," her lips delicately declared.


End file.
